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Lois: Glenn, thank you so much for helping me tear up my carpet.
Quagmire: Well ya know Lois, I gotta confess, when you called me, I sort of misunderstood what you were asking for. That's why I rushed over, but it's fine, it's fine, I'm happy to help.
- Permalink: Glenn, thank you so much for helping me tear up my carpet. Wel...
Quagmire: (Pointing to strip of carpet.) Hey, uh, Lois, do you want me to leave a little strip in this thing? Maybe a lightning bolt, a unicorn, or something like that?
Lois: No, I want it all gone Glenn.
Quagmire: All right, we're going Brazilian!
- Permalink: Hey, uh, Lois, do you want me to leave a little strip in this th...
Peter: (After Peter's pickup truck rams into Quagmire's garage and a group of Korean girls scatter and run away.) Quagmire, I am so sorry.
Quagmire: Don't worry about it.
Peter: We can go after them.
Quagmire: Don't worry about it, they're tagged, they're tagged, just get me to the airport.
- Permalink: Quagmire, I am so sorry. Don't worry about it. We can go aft...
(whispers) Didn't mean to wake ya. (Quagmire's foot slowly leaves.)</i> Quagmire
- Permalink: Didn't mean to wake ya.
Airport Clerk: Aw, that was great.
Quagmire: Thanks. I know you have a choice in airport sex and I appreciate you choosing Quagmire. Please exercise caution when standing up as the contents of your panties may have shifted during coitus. Oh right! I got a plane to catch. Say, which gate is Flight 209?
Airport Clerk: 209? That flight left half and hour ago.
Quagmire: Oh my God! Oh my God! That plane's going down! My friends are on that plane! They're all going to die!
Airport Clerk: What? Oh no!
Quagmire: And that's not the worst part. Here's the condom I said I put on.
Airport Clerk: (gasp)
Quagmire: Hahaha, aren't I just the worst?
- Permalink: Aw, that was great. Thanks. I know you have a choice in airpor...
Cleveland: So how's the job hunt going?
Peter: It's awful Cleveland, Quagmire blew every gig we got him.
Quagmire: It's too bad, I really liked that job working on the Starship Enterprise. (Flashback to Quagmire on Starship Enterprise. He walks to Captain Kirk and whispers.) Dude, you got to introduce me to that black chick.
- Permalink: So how's the job hunt going? It's awful Cleveland, Quagmire b...
(Over the plane's intercom) Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, this is your captain Glenn Quagmire, uhhhhhhh we're lookin' bout a four and a half hour flight time today, uhhhhhhh got clear skies, good visibility. The temperature in Atlanta is sixty-four degrees, uhhhhhhhhhh the flight is gonna be a little longer than we've expected, uh we've got some very strong head winds, gigity. Uh, flight attendants, please prepare for takeoff.
- Permalink: Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, this is your captain Glenn ...
Peter: Boy Quagmire, I'm really sorry they fired ya. I feel like this is partially my fault.
Quagmire: (Sarcastically) No Peter, it's perfectly normal to siphon jet fuel from an active runway with the intention of flying a pickup truck.
- Permalink: Boy Quagmire, I'm really sorry they fired ya. I feel like this i...
(The phone rings, Lois answers)
Lois: Hello? Oh, you must have a wrong number, there's no one here by the name of Longrod VonHugendong.
Quagmire: (Incoherent. Motions to Lois that the call is for him)
- Permalink: Hello? Oh, you must have a wrong number, there's no one here by ...
(Chris and Quagmire are on the couch with a calculator, Chris is typing in numbers)
Quagmire: Okay, now add twenty.
Quagmire: Now multiply it by four.
Quagmire: Now what do ya got?
Chris: Eight thousand and eight.
Quagmire: And what does eight thousand eight look like on a calculator?
Chris: Oh, Boob!
Quagmire: Boob! Yeah! Alright, alright, alright, Boob!
Chris: What if we had two calculators and we put em next to each other?
Quagmire: Huh! Yes, yes, yes, find one, yes.
- Permalink: Okay, now add twenty. Okay. Now multiply it by four. Okay....
Quagmire: Hey, hey, hey, hey that's a stroke!
Peter: I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax.
Quagmire: Oh relax, huh? Look, I just tapped my ball. Oh, just tapped it again. Tap, tap, tap...oh where is it? It's in the hole. Eagle. Yay Quagmire!
(Quagmire bends his putter across his knee and throws it against the cart)
Joe: Hey Quagmire, you know it's not fun when you're like this.
Quagmire: You want fun? Go home and buy a monkey!
Cleveland: What does that even mean?
Quagmire: I don't know. (voice drops to normal) Boy, we've got a beautiful day for this.
- Permalink: Hey, hey, hey, hey that's a stroke! I just tapped my ball, Qua...
(Camera cuts to Quagmire and three girls)
Quagmire: ...So the man asks the bartender to recommend a good drink, and the bartender says a grasshopper. So the guy orders a grasshopper. Then, he's walkin' home, and along the way he notices a grasshopper on the ground. So he says to the grasshopper, "Hey, you know there's a drink named after you?" and the grasshopper says "You mean there's a drink named Irving?"
(Quagmire and the girls all laugh)
Quagmire: So which one of you wants to lose your virginity?
- Permalink: ...So the man asks the bartender to recommend a good drink, and ...