Lois: Peter used to be so passionate, but now he doesn't seem to be interested in me.
Quagmire: Lois, if I may, Peter doesn't you. As a friend, I think you deserve to be with someone who knows how to be a gentleman.
Lois: Oh, Glen. You're so sweet. (They embrace) Something's poking me.
Quagmire: It's alright. It's just my wang.

(Lois walks out of Quagmire's house to pick up a letter from the mailbox)
Peter: Lois, what the hell? I'm gone for one night and you sleep with Quagmire?!
Lois: Mr. Griffin, what I do with my husband is none of your business.
Peter: Husband?
Quagmire: Morning, Pete. Hope you and Molly can still join us for dinner tonight. Baby, Let's go play "Schoolgirl & Guy Who Has Sex With Schoolgirl".
(Lois giggles)

Hey Lois, I'm ready for your pie. And you made dessert too, oh!

Lois: Meg, stop staring at Mr. Griffin. I'm sorry Peter, I'm afraid she has her father's libido.
Quagmire: What can I say? I'm a Vagittarius. Oh!
Chris, Meg, and Stewie: (all laugh) Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity.

Molly Ringwald: Hey, did you guys hear on the news about President Gore hunting down and killing Osama Bin Laden with his bare hands?
Lois: I know! Who would have thought Bin Laden was hiding out in the cast of MADtv?
Quagmire: Man, the perfect hiding spot. The one place no one would look.

Cleveland: Boy, this election's gonna be a tight one.
Quagmire: Probably gonna be decided by just a couple of votes.
Peter: And here we are sitting here like a bunch of lazy paraplegic cops.
Joe: Huh?
Peter: Oh, I'm sorry, Joe. It's just an expression.
Joe: Ah.

(Peter rings Quagmire at the ballet)
Quagmire: Hello?
Peter: Hey, Quagmire.
Quagmire: Hey, Peter. Whats up?
Peter: I'm stuck at the stupid ballet.
Quagmire: Get out of here! You serious? So am I.
Peter: What?
Quagmire: Yeah, I got dragged here by this broad I'm trying to nail.
Peter: Where are you sitting?
Quagmire: Look across at the other balcony. I can see you.
Peter: Oh my God, we're both here! What do we do, what do we do?
Quagmire: Oh my God, we should text each other. Hang up, Hang up.
(Peter's phone vibrates, he reads the text)
Peter: Heheheheheheh
(Peter texts Quagmire back, Quagmire reads it)
Quagmire: HA!!

(reading a sign on Church door that says "Organist Wanted.") Huh-huh, all right! (Runs inside Church, unzips pants, gets slapped) Ahh. (comes back outside) Why do you say organist if you don't want... I don't understand the world anymore.

Lois: Glenn, thank you so much for helping me tear up my carpet.
Quagmire: Well ya know Lois, I gotta confess, when you called me, I sort of misunderstood what you were asking for. That's why I rushed over, but it's fine, it's fine, I'm happy to help.

Quagmire: (Pointing to strip of carpet.) Hey, uh, Lois, do you want me to leave a little strip in this thing? Maybe a lightning bolt, a unicorn, or something like that?
Lois: No, I want it all gone Glenn.
Quagmire: All right, we're going Brazilian!

Peter: (After Peter's pickup truck rams into Quagmire's garage and a group of Korean girls scatter and run away.) Quagmire, I am so sorry.
Quagmire: Don't worry about it.
Peter: We can go after them.
Quagmire: Don't worry about it, they're tagged, they're tagged, just get me to the airport.

(whispers) Didn't mean to wake ya. (Quagmire's foot slowly leaves.)

</i> Quagmire

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley