Quagmire (C3PO): Who would you rather do: Jabba the Hutt right after a shower, or a service droid?
Cleveland (R2-D2): My father was a service droid!

Quagmire (C-3PO): Hey, mind if I turn on the radio?
Announcer: WTAT Tatooine's all-talk radio.
Rush Limbaugh: My good friends, the liberal galactic media is at it again, they never stop. Now they're trying to convince us that Hoth is melting. Well that's crazy, just trying to scare us. Well if that wasn't enough to get you mad, we now have news that Lando Calrissian has been made the chief administrator of the Bespin mining facility. Gee, I wonder how he got that job. Well let me tell you how he got that job, affirmative action strikes again. The time is 8:50.

Herbert (Obi-Wan): Mos Eisley spaceport, you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Cleveland (R2-D2): My sister Regina-D2 lives here.
Quagmire (C-3PO): Is she single?
Cleveland (R2-D2): She's a lez-bot.

Chris (Luke): R2, what are you doing out here?
Cleveland (R2-D2): Beep boop beep.
Quagmire (C-3PO): He says there are several creatures approaching from the southeast.
Cleveland (R2-D2): That's not what I said. I said there ain't a pack of menthols on this planet.

Ya hear that? It sounds like we're being boarded from the rear, and not the "Hey take a deep breath, let's experiment" kind of boarded from the rear.

</i> Quagmire (C-3PO)

Hey, thanks for the sex, early nineties printer.
(Printer prints out a heart slowly)

Quagmire (C-3PO)

Stormtrooper: The Death Star is getting closer!
Quagmire (C-3PO): And Leia's getting l-a-a-arger! (jiggles Leia's stomach)

Cleveland: Hey Quagmire, how was your date last night?
Quagmire: Cleveland, it was amazing. You know what I discovered last night? Women have a fourth hole.
Joe: What?
Quagmire: Yeah, I mean it's only visible if you're looking from exactly the right angle, like the entrance to Hogwarts. But ya gotta believe that it's there.
Peter: Man, I envy you single guys. No families, partying whenever you want. These are the only people I get to party with. (holds out his wallet, with a picture of the kids)
Quagmire: (Pointing to Meg) Oh, that's where the fourth hole is, right there. Right there in the back of the knee.

Molly Ringwald: Hey, did you guys hear on the news about President Gore hunting down and killing Osama Bin Laden with his bare hands?
Lois: I know! Who would have thought Bin Laden was hiding out in the cast of MADtv?
Quagmire: Man, the perfect hiding spot. The one place no one would look.

Lois: Meg, stop staring at Mr. Griffin. I'm sorry Peter, I'm afraid she has her father's libido.
Quagmire: What can I say? I'm a Vagittarius. Oh!
Chris, Meg, and Stewie: (all laugh) Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity.

Hey Lois, I'm ready for your pie. And you made dessert too, oh!

(Lois walks out of Quagmire's house to pick up a letter from the mailbox)
Peter: Lois, what the hell? I'm gone for one night and you sleep with Quagmire?!
Lois: Mr. Griffin, what I do with my husband is none of your business.
Peter: Husband?
Quagmire: Morning, Pete. Hope you and Molly can still join us for dinner tonight. Baby, Let's go play "Schoolgirl & Guy Who Has Sex With Schoolgirl".
(Lois giggles)

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Meg: Do you like Coldplay?
Tobey: Am I a dull white guy? Yes, I like Coldplay!