The Simpsons

Grampa Simpson Quotes (Page 6)

Grampa: And to my son Homer--
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Grampa: --and his entire family--
Homer: D'oh!
 • Rating: Unrated

Grampa: I leave these: a box of mint-condition 1918 liberty-head silver dollars. You see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in Zeppelins, dropping coins on people, and one day I seen J. D. Rockefeller flying by. So I run out of the house with a big washtub and--Where are you going?
Homer: Dad, we'd love to stay here and listen to your amusing antidote, but we have to take these coins to the mall and spend 'em!
 • Rating: Unrated

Grampa: Anyway, about my washtub...I just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as a "walking bird". We'd always have walking bird on Thanksgiving with all the trimmings: cranberries, Injun eyes, yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called "baseball."
 • Rating: Unrated

Lisa: Thanks for buying us these toys, Grampa.
Grampa: Ehh, why didn't you get something useful, like storm windows, or a nice pipe organ? I'm thirsty! Ew, what smells like mustard? There sure a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. Oh! Look at that one.
(Homer parks the car in the driveway; everyone jumps out except Grampa.) Grampa: Ow, my glaucoma just got worse. The president is a Demmycrat. (Everyone rushes into the house) Hello? I can't unbuckle my seat belt. Hello? (Honks horn repeatedly)
 • Rating: Unrated

Lisa: Well I'm not going to accomplish anything just sitting here--
Grampa: And griping. It's time for--
Lisa: Action! I've got to talk to that woman who invented Malibu Stacy and see if I can get her to--
Grampa: Come out of retirement. I'm gonna get me a job...a real Malibu...and see if Stacy...can help...invent...me...young...heeeelp!
Lisa: You're getting a job.
Grampa: Yes! I'm going where the action is.
 • Rating: Unrated

"Who Needs the Kwik-E-Mart" Lyrics
Apu: You see, whether igloo hut, or lean-to, or a geodesic dome,
There's no structure I have been to, which I'd rather call my home.
Grampa: Hello. (Apu takes his walking stick)Aaah!
Apu: When I first arrived, you were all such jerks,
But now I've come to looooooove your quirks.
Maggie with her eyes so bright,
Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright,
Lisa can philosophize; Bart's adept at spinning lies,
Homer's a delightful fella, sorry about the salmonella.
Homer: Heh heh, that's OK.
(Apu pulls out a chair Grampa was about to sit on and stands on it)
Grampa: Aaah!
Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Now here's the tricky part.
Oh, won't you rhyme with me?
Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Marge: Their floors are Stick-E-Mart,
Lisa: They make Dad Sick-E-Mart,
Bart: Let's hurl a Brick-E-Mart,
Homer: The Kwik-E-Mart is real D'oh!
All: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Apu: Not meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Simpsons: Forget the Kwik-E-Mart,
Goodbye to Kwik-E-Mart,
Who needs the Kwik-E-mart?
Apu: Not me!
Homer: Things wrapped up quite nicely, and much earlier than usual.
Apu: (Apu sorrowfully singing) Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart I dooooo.
Homer: Hey! He lied to us through song, I hate when people do that.
 • Rating: Unrated

Grampa: Ah, there's an interesting story behind this nickel. In 1957, I remember it was, I got up in the morning and made myself a piece of toast. I set the toaster to three - medium brown.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Grampa: I'm filled with piss and vinegar! At first, I was just filled with vinegar.
 • Rating: Unrated

(talking about how Molloy stole the diamond)
Grampa: There was something different about the way he was walking that day. Much more vertical than usual. (Molloy was climbing with rappel.)
 • Rating: Unrated

Grampa: You see? Old people aren't so useless after all. Malloy's old and he outsmarted the lot of you. And I'm even older and I outsmarted him. (Laughs)
Moe: Shut up.
Grampa: I've had my moment.
 • Rating: Unrated

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