Homer: Who needs his money? We're getting by okay.
(Grampa crashes a Ute through the Simpsons' wall.)
Grampa: Son, you gotta help me! I hit three people on the way over here, and I don't have any insurance! (Pause) So, how's my Ute?

Homer: My first day of college.. I wish my father was alive to see this!
Grampa: Hey!
Homer: How long have you been back there?
Grampa: Three days...

Bart: Grampa, Matlock's not real.
Grampa: Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob, if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin'!

I'm cold and there are wolves after me.

Grampa: Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O! And on this farm he had a chick, the swingingest' chick I know! With a wiggle wiggle here and a wiggle wiggle there.
Homer: Get of the stage!
Grampa: I want to, but I can't!

Grampa: That's my son up there!
Old Jewish Man: What, the balding fat-ass?
Grampa: Uh, no, the Hindu guy...

Lisa: How can you people turn on snakes after all they've done for you?
Grampa: I'm an old man, I hate everything but Matlock. Ooh, it's on now.

Secretary: Is this the Abraham Simpson who wrote the Itchy and Scratchy episode?
Grampa: Ishy and what? No, you must be some kind of crazy person.
Secretary: I'm sorry, but we have a substantial check here for a Mr. Abraham Simpson.
Grampa: That's right. I did the Iggy.

Bart: Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing nothing?
Grampa: I figured it was because the Demmie-crats were back in power.

(Typing a letter) Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot.

Lisa: Grampa, how did you take off your underwear without taking off your pants?
Grampa: I don't know!

Roger Meyers, Jr.: Hey, how would you kids like a tour of the studio? Abe, are you coming?
Grampa: Any stairs?
Roger Meyers, Jr.: Just one.
Grampa: Nuts to you.

The Simpsons Quotes

Horst: (Sinister) Okay, Mr. Burns, you win. But beware. We Germans aren't all smiles and sunshine.
Mr. Burns: (Sarcastic) Oooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans! (Hiding behind Smithers) Uh oh, the Germans are going to get me!
Horst: Stop it!
Man: Stop, sir.
Mr. Burns: Don't let the Germans come after me. Oh no, the Germans are coming after me.
Man: Please stop the "pretending you are scared" game, please.
Horst: Stop it! Stop it!
Mr. Burns: (Pause) No! They're so big and strong!
Man: Stop it.
Horst: Stop it, Mr. Burns.
Man: Please stop pretending you are scared of us, please, now.
Mr. Burns: Oh, protect me from the Germans! The Germans--
Horst: Burns, Stop it!

(Squishing an ice cream to his forehead) I'm a unitard!

Ralph