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One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere, like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh yeah, the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones..
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Grampa: Bah, this is just another Hallmark holiday cooked up to sell cards.
Jasper: Aww... a Valentine from my daughter!
Abe: Can I have the envelope?
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The Monorail Song
Lyle Lanley: Y'know, a town with money is like a mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it!
Homer: Heh heh! Mule.
Lyle Lanley: The name's Lanley. Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest... Aw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.
Mayor Quimby: Now wait just a minute! We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville! Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it!
Lyle Lanley: All right, I tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea! I give you the Springfield Monorail! (audience gasps) I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrooke, and by gum, it put them on the map!
Well, sir, there's nothing on earth
Like a genuine,
What'd I say?
Ned Flanders: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
Patty & Selma: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: That's right! Monorail!
(crowd chants "Monorail" softly and rhythmically)
Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.
Lyle Lanley: It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle Lanley: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney: What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle Lanley: You'll all be given cushy jobs.
Grampa: Were you sent here by the devil?
Lyle Lanley: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
Lyle Lanley: Take my pen knife, my good man.
I swear it's Springfield's only choice...
Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
Lyle Lanley: Once again...
Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.
Homer: Mono... D'oh!
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Homer: Dad, I have a problem.
Grampa: Why did you come to me? I don't know nothin'. I used to get by on my looks. Now they're gone... withered away like an old piece of fruit. (Sobs)
Homer: Are you done?
Grampa: No, not yet! I was voted the handsomest boy in Albany, New York!
Homer: Dad, I don't need advice! I need 15,000 dollars to buy a home!
Grampa: Oh, well. All I own is this house, that I built with my own two hands!
Homer: You didn't build this house! You won it on a crooked 50's game show!
Grampa: I ratted on everybody and got off scott free!
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Grampa: Bart, oh you remembered my birthday?
Bart: Huh? Oh, I sure did! Here's a bus schedule.
Grampa: Wow, fits right in my pocket.
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Grampa: Have you ever read "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"?
Bart: I glanced at it. Boy cries wolf, has a few laughs I forget how it ends.
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Movies! What a rip-off! I don't have to stand here and take this.
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Homer: If you don't start making more sense, we're going to have to put you in a home.
Grampa: You already put me in a home.
Homer: Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on Sixty Minutes!
Grampa: I'll be good.
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Bart: Nice try, Mr. Flanders. But I've got a story so scary you'll wet your pants!
Grampa: Too late.
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(Bart opens Grampa's gift, a box of cash)
Marge: Where'd you get all the money?
Grampa: The government. I didn't earn it, I don't need it, but if they miss one payment I'll raise hell.
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Grampa: That doll is evil, I tell ya! Evil! Evil!
Marge: Grampa, you said that about all the other presents.
Grampa: I just want attention
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Homer: So then his wife comes through the door!
Homer: Did I mention that she was dead?
Homer: Well, she was! And then, she hit him in the head with a golf-club!
Homer: Don't you remember? He went golfing all the time, and it really bugged her.
Lisa: You said he went bowling!
Grampa: Homer! I've coughed up scarier stuff than that!
Bart: Hey, Grampa. Why don't you tell us a story? You've led an interesting life
Grampa: That's a lie, and you know it! But I did see a lot of movies
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