We shows girls love on Valentine's Day, and they let us blow things up on the Fourth of July. I just pray they never fall on the same day.

Marguerite, I leave to fight in Flanders. Stupid Flanders.

Grampa: And I created an alcoholic hippo.
Homer: You never showed it to me!
Grampa: A stupid alcoholic hippo!

Mapple Salesperson: The lightest, most desirable computer in the world, for the next three weeks - the Mapple Void.
Homer: I'll take it, provided you charge me for services that Google offers for free.

Man, this website makes talking drunk to my wife so much safer.

They know I'm doing a character. Like Stephen Colbert or Newt Gingrich.

Homer: Do you really need all these Kurt Vonnegut novels?
Lisa: "They self-reference each other!"

Bloody harry. he brought back beheading in a big way.

My daughter thinks I'm a ruthless tyrant like Hitler or Prince Harry. Homer

I just like to dress up to eat carrots and smoke.

Homer: How would you like to have future sex?
Marge: Why do you say future this is now?
Homer: I meant a week from tomorrow. That's when the new penis gets here.

Annie: I was so mad at him, I didn't have sex with a clown for five months!
Homer: What about mimes?
Annie: Come on, I'm not made of stone.

Homer: Can you be my dad?
Robert: If your mom was a secretary, there's a good chance I am.

The Simpsons Quotes

Lincoln, Lincoln. I've been thinkin'. What the hell have you've been drinkin'? Is it water? Is it wine? Oh, my gosh. It's turpentine!

Bart & Lisa

Yep, here's your problem. Someone set this thing to "Evil."

Repairman