South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralPopular Jimbo Kern Quotes
Good job, Ned! Now they won't starve!
</i> Jimbo
Kyle: We're sorry for turning Ned into a vegetable.
Jimbo: Ah, he'll be fine. I'll just take him home and show him some good hardcore porn and he'll snap right out if it.
Guard: Good evening, gentlemen.
Jimbo: Oh, hello, fellow American. We're just anxious to get back to our homeland.
Guard: Well, alright But before I let you go, I have to ask you a few questions.
Jimbo: Fire away. We have nothing to hide
Guard: Is there anyone other than the two of you in this vehicle?
Jimbo: No, sir.
Guard: Do you have any firearms or explosives in the car?
Jimbo: Yes I-I mean, no! No!
Guard: Open your trunk please, sir.
Jimbo: Damn! Damn, I always get that question wrong!
Ned: Are fireworks legal in Mexico?
Jimbo: Hell, everything's legal in Mexico. It's the American way.
(giant ash-snake breaks through the wall)
Jimbo: Holy smokes, what the hell is that?
Ned: It looks like my ex-wife.
Jimbo: What's all the ruckus over there?
Mayor: Sounds like somebody declared shenanigans.
Jimbo: Oh, hell, I have to run home and grab my broom!
Jimbo: Hey, where's she going? That's the wrong way, you stupid cow.
(cows line up on a cliff)
FBI Executive: Oh, dear Jesus, no!
(the cows jump off one by one)
Jimbo: No! They're killing themselves! Stop please! Can't we do anything? Oh God, the humanity, Ned, the humanity!
FBI Executive: This is the first mad cow suicide I've seen in at least eight months.
Jimbo: Alright, so far everyone has a long piece of straw. We'll keep drawing
(Jimbo picks a piece of straw.)
Jimbo: (relieved) Whew!
(Mr. Garrison picks a piece of straw.)
Mr. Garrison: (relieved) Whew!
(Officer Barbrady looks at the last piece of straw in his hands.)
Officer Barbrady: Whew.
Jimbo: Wait a minute! Where the hell is the short one??
Officer Barbrady: The short what?
Jimbo: Damn it, Barbrady! When you draw straws, you're supposed to have one of them short! That's how you decide who loses!
Officer Barbrady: That's not how I played it
Mr. Garrison: Oooh, can we hurry this up? My stomach is growling
Jimbo: There's a murderer free in South Park! We have to find out who it is before they kill again!
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, God only knows who they'll kill next!
Announcer: Who will they kill next? Will it be: Jimbo? Officer Barbrady? The Denver Broncos?
Mr. Garrison: Mephisto's been shot!
Chef: Is he dead??
Jimbo: Hey, look! This window has been shot open! That means the killer was not somebody in this room!
Mr. Garrison: Well, then who was it?
Announcer: Who shot Mephisto? Was it: The school counselor? Or was it Ms. Crabtree? Or was it-
Cartman: (interrupting) Hey! Wait a minute! I didn't find out who my father was!
Announcer: (continues) Or was it Mrs. Broflovski?
Mayor: My God, what a harrowing tale of human drama this is. All of us doing what we must to survive.
Jimbo: It is amazing what people can do under stress. Just look at the pyramids. Nobody knows how they built those. Or who.
Narrator: Who built the pyramids? Was it- the Babylonians? Officer Barbrady? Samaritans?
Cartman: (in his Scuzzlebutt costume) I am Scuzzlebutt! Lord of the Mountains! Behold my Patrick Duffy leg!
Ned: What is it?
Kyle: Dude, it's Scuzzlebutt! Cartman WASN'T lying!
Jimbo: Holy smoke! We can make a mint killing this thing!
Ned: We'll be on the cover of "Guns and Ammo".
Jimbo: This calls for some HJ-14...
Cartman: (chuckles) Those guys are totally scared...
Jimbo: Fire in the hole! (fires two missiles)
Cartman: Holy crap! (dodges the two missiles)
Jimbo: Damn it! I think I missed!
Cartman: What the hell is wrong with you people?! (runs away)
Jimbo: Come on, let's move! Move!
