South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralKyle Broflovski Quotes
Jimbo: (about Jakovasaur) Well, let's kill it.
Cartman: No, don't.
Jimbo: Huh?
Cartman: I like it.
Kyle: You don't like anything Cartman.
That bitch, she's stealing Chef from us.
Stan: Wait, you guys. Maybe... is it possible... that we're just jealous because Chef is our friend, and now he's paying attention to somebody new?
(Silence)
Kyle: Yeah, so?
Stan: Yeah, screw that bitch.
Cartman: Bitch, I hate that bitch!
Chef's Dad: You crackers want to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness monster?
Stan: Nah, that's okay.
Chef's Dad: Oh, it must have been about 7, 8 years ago... Me and the little lady were on this boat, you see... All alone at night when all of a sudden, a huge creature, a giant crustacean from the Paleozoic era, comes out of the water!
Chef's Mom: We were so scared, lord-have-mercy. I jumped up in the boat and said "Thomas! What on earth is that creature?!".
Chef's Dad: It stood above us looking down with its big red eyes...
Chef's Mom: Oh, it was scary.
Chef's Dad: And I stood up and yelled "What do you want from us, monster?!", and he bent down and said "I need to borrow treefiddy...".
Kyle: What's "treefiddy"?
Chef's Dad: Three dollars and fifty cents.
Stan: She killed Kenny!
Kyle: You Bastard!
Stan: We can't fall asleep. We gotta nail that song. You got the tape recorder, Cartman? Cartman?? (taps him)
Kyle: He's asleep. Wake up fat ass!
Cartman: What what what?
Stan: Goddamnit! You can't fall asleep.
Cartman: I wasn't sleeping, I was just thinking really hard!
Kyle: I wonder how come Cartman's not in school today?
Stan: Yeah. Usually when he ditches school, he still shows up for lunch.
Cartman: Hey dudes.
Stan: Whoa, what happened to your eyes, Cartman?
Cartman: My asshole eye doctor made them all dialbated.
Kyle: Why?
Cartman: Why? I'll tell you why, because he's a god damn asshole, and that's about it.
Cartman: Hey dudes.
(Kyle, Stan and Kenny laugh)
Cartman: (Sarcastically) Heheheh, look at Cartman and his stupid glasses. Heheheh.
Kyle: Dude, just take them off.
Cartman: I can't, they're stapled to my head.
(Kyle, Stan and Kenny laugh again)
Cartman: I hate you guys.
Randy: Boys, did you notice anything strange about Kenny, in the weeks leading up to his combustion? What did he spend his time doing?
Kyle: He didn't do anything. He was always with his new girlfriend.
Randy: New girlfriend?
Stan: Yeah, he started seeing this girl and he spent all his time taking the bus to go visit her. What does that have to do with his death?
Randy: Maybe nothing...maybe everything.
(Dramatic music plays in the background)
Stan: Yeah, well, we're gonna go work on getting Kyle's dad a nerection.
Randy: Yes, yes of course-I've got work to do.
(They leave the room)
Randy: What?
Father Maxi: Boys, I haven't seen you in church lately.
Kyle: Well, I'm Jewish.
Father Maxi: You're not too Jewish to worship Jesus, are you?
Mr. Mackey: Hi boys!
Stan and Kyle: (imitating Mackey) Hello, Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey: Have you boys been sure to pass gas so that you don't spontaneously combust?
Kyle: We know how to fart, Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey: Well let me show you. (pats his butt) Oooh, baby, come on.
(Mr. Mackey farts and boys cover their noses and mouths)
Kyle: Jesus Christ!
Stan: Sick, dude!
Mr. Mackey: I had a steak wrapped with bacon last night. (giggles)
Kyle: Dude, I think you pulled mud.
Mr. Mackey: So you know you need to do that regularly, mmmkay.
Stan: Okay, okay, just go away. (Mackey goes away) Dude, that was not cool at all.
