The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXPopular Lisa Simpson Quotes
Lisa: Chief, my brother fell in the storm drain!
Chief Wiggum: I'm strictly an above the ground policeman, what you need is the sewer cops.
Lisa: Fine, what's the number?
Chief Wiggum: Lisa, you're old enough now that I can tell you the truth. There's no such thing as sewer cops. It's just something we tell the kids to feel safe.
Lisa: What about Bart?
Chief Wiggum: Well if you miss him, you can yell into a toilet.
Patty: It's almost nine o'clock.
Selma: Where is Homer anyway?
Patty: It's so typical of the big doofus to spoil it all.
Lisa: What Aunt Patty?
Patty: Oh, nothing, dear. I'm just trashing your father.
(Homer brings home Santa's Little Helper.)
Marge: Oh, this is the best gift of all, Homer!
Homer: It is?
Marge: Yes. Something to share our love and frighten prowlers.
Lisa: What's his name?
Homer: Number 8--Uh, I mean Santa's Little Helper.
(At the breakfast table.)
Marge: Bart, this is a big day for you. Why don't you eat something a little more nutritious?
Homer: Nonsense, Marge. Frosted Krusty Flakes are what got him where he is today.
(Homer reads the cereal box.)
Homer: It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart. Lisa, maybe you should try some of this.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: I'm just saying why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare in case Bart's brain blows up.
(Homer and Marge walk out of the kitchen.)
Lisa: I don't care what that stupid test says, Bart. You're a dimwit.
Bart: Maybe so, but from now on this dimwit is on easy street.
Marge: Bart, I feel so bad for going so many years without, mmm, hmm--What's that word where you encourage something to grow?
Bart and Homer: (Both mumble "I don't know," in unison.)
Lisa: Nurturing.
Marge: Nurturing your brilliant brain, so I got tickets to the opera tonight. Hurry up. Get dressed. It starts at 8:00.
Bart: Oh, Mom. Not tonight!
Homer: Come on, Bart, your mother's only trying to help, so go ahead and enjoy the show.
Marge: Homer, you're going too.
Homer: But I'm not a genius. Why should I suffer?
Bart: All he does is lie there like an unemployed whale.
Lisa: I don't know what else to do.
Bart: There's only one thing we can do: Take advantage of the old guy. You gotta sign my report card, Dad.
Homer: Okay, now look; my boss is going to be at this picnic, so I want you to show your father some love and/or respect.
Lisa: Tough choice.
Bart: I'm picking respect.
Homer: To save this family, we're going to have to make the supreme sacrifice.
Lisa: No, Dad. Please don't pawn the TV!
Bart: Aw, come on, Dad, anything but that!
Marge: Homer, couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead?
Homer: Now, I appreciate that honey, but we need $150 here.
Pawn Shop Owner: Afternoon, Simpson. So, what can I do for ya?
Homer: Would you pay $150 for this lovely Motorola?
Pawn Shop Owner: Is it cable ready?
Homer: Ready as she'll ever be.
Pawn Shop Owner: Mister, you got yourself a deal.
Homer: Now look, you know and I know this family needs help, professional help. So I've made us an appointment with Dr. Marvin Monroe.
Bart: The fat guy on TV?
Lisa: You're sending us to see a doctor who advertises on pro wrestling?
Homer: Boxing Lisa, boxing. There's a world of difference.
Dr. Monroe: Hello, I'm Doctor Marvin Monroe. No doubt you recognize me from TV.
Lisa: We would if we had one.
Homer: Lisa!
Bart: You know, there are names for people like you.
Lisa: No, there aren't.
Bart: Teacher's pet, apple polisher, butt kisser--
Homer: Bart! You're saying "butt kisser" like it's a bad thing.
Bart: Huh?
(Homer pats his leg and Bart sits on his lap.)
Homer: Well, you see, boy, it never hurts to grease the wheels a little.
Lisa: I'm not greasing the wheels, Dad. I like my teacher.
Homer: Sure, Lis. You see how it works, Bart? A cupcake her, a good grade there.
Lisa: Dad, I get good grades 'cause I'm smart and I pay attention and I study hard.
Homer: Yeah, right, Lisa. It's the three roads to success, Bart: work, brains and--
(Homer grabs one of Lisa's cupcakes.)
Homer: Hmm?
Lisa: Oh, brother.
Lisa: There were a lot of holes in your story
Studio Exec: That's the problem when you have 17 writers, but don't worry, we have two fresh ones working on it
[cuts to Maggie and monkey banging at typewriters]
