Lois: Oh my god! I think Chris is having a heart attack!
Peter: We're not supposed to leave the table!

Lois: Chris, have you been drinking?
Chris: Yes, have you been aging?

No, no, Peter, you're still you; you're just a teenager, you're not switching genders.

I'm pretty sure our washer machine is pregnant! I'm not even sure how that's scientifically possible!

Tina Fey: I'm better than Jesus!
Lois: Yes, Tina Fey, you're better than Jesus.

Who did Jesus hang around? Mary Magdalene. Who was she? A
prostitute. Which means if they had cameras back then, I bet she
would've done a porno.

I think there was actually more wind back then.

Oh my god! I thought we were friends! The kind of really good
friends that communicate with each other poorly through Facebook!

No, you're a lady bigshot... like Miss Piggy!

Lois [as Stewie aims a blaster at her]: Well, let me just say, it's
nice to be standing here with no one trying to murder me.
Stewie: Yea, no you're fine...

Brian: Oh, my God. Fred Savage is the greatest actor in the world!
Savage: That's all I ever wanted to be known for.
Lois: Is it okay if we run this story instead?
Savage: Sure thing!
Daniel Stern: [as the voice-over from "The Wonder Years"] It was just then that I knew that things were finally going my...
Savage: [angrily] I DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE!!!

Lois: Peter, where have you been? You left for the market six hours ago! Did you get the beans?
Peter: Lois, I've got something better! You know how you've always wanted a real diamond engagement ring?
Lois: [gasps, touched] Oh my God!
Peter: That's right, I've bought a horse!

Family Guy Quotes

Young Michael Jackson: The kid in me likes the frosted side.
Adult Michael Jackson: But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me.

Peter: I'm making my own Red Bull! Lois can't stop me from experiencing the manic highs and lows my body demands.
Brian: Whoa, whoa you're adding kerosene? That's insane! That'll destroy your body, Peter!
Peter: Kerosene is fuel, Brian. Red Bull is fuel. Kerosene is Red Bull...
Brian: That drink will kill you, Peter.
Peter: Whatever kills me will make me stronger.