Meg: Wow, look at this! I can't believe that Mrs. Bush kept all of these Planned Parenthood receipts.
Chris: Holy Cow! She's been scraped more times than a fisherman's knuckle!

Peter: Oh boy, does it feel good to undo my butt flap.
Meg: Ew dad! We don't want to sit here and look at your ass.
Stewie: Yes, I'd rather look at Meg toweling off after a shower when she does that butt floss thing. (Cuts to scene where Stewie sees Meg toweling her ass.)
Stewie: (Low voice) Ew, ew, that's so disgusting, uh, uh, uh, I hope I don't ever accidentally use that towel. (Towel falls on Stewie.) Ahhhhh!

Meg: Wow! Bill Clinton! Hey, uh, can I get a picture of you on my cell phone?
Bill Clinton: Sure.
(Bill lifts up his shirt right when the picture was taken and it shows a nipple ring.)
Bill Clinton: You know where I got that nipple ring? Old straddlin' Madeline Albright gave it to me.

Bill Clinton: All right, are you ready for another round of N.A.F.T.A
Lois Griffin: What does N.A.F.T.A. mean?
Bill Clinton: 'Nother Afternoon of F****** That Ass!

Don't mind me you guys, I'm just writing a letter to my boyfriend. Dear, my boyfriend, thank you for making out with me recently, on purpose. That was cool. Those flowers that you totally sent me, were really pretty. Just like you said I am. Love, Meg.

Peter: (on couch) Hey Meg, come here, have a seat. (Meg sits down then Peter yawns and puts his arm over Meg)
Meg: Dad? What are you doing?
Peter: Meg, I'm a redneck, which means I'm about to do something to you that you will not remember until you're 40. (Meg screams and runs away) Meg come back here! I meant sex!

Peter: Uh, Meg, uh, I got 16 candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound?
Meg: That's not right.
Peter: So... less...? more...? Too many...? Not enough...?
Meg: You stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know how old I am!
Lois: Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age... or is it?
Meg: I'm going to be 17, you jerks!
(Meg leaves her room)
Peter: She's the jerk.

Meg: Be careful daddy. I love you.
Peter: That'll do pig. That'll do.

(Peter uses a lighter to make a fire on Meg's head)
Joe: Hey, Meg don't be such a "hothead".
Meg: Huh?
Cleveland: Meg, you look "hot".
Meg: What?
Peter: Meg, I just lit your scalp on fire.

Peter: (kicking the driver's seat in the car) I WANT APPLE JUICE!!!
Meg: (sighs) You wanna watch SpongeBob?
Peter: Yes! With apple juice.
(Meg pulls down a TV screen and Peter watches SpongeBob)

Brian: You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie: Excuse me?
Meg: Brian, let's just go.
Brian: No, no, no, no, no. Now hang on... hang on, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started putting out when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So, you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19, you're going to be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your step-dad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark?
(Connie cries and runs)

Brian: Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday, so I'll explain it again. And here to assist me is headmaster of the New York School for the Hard-of-Hearing, Mr. Garrett Morris.
(a live-action shot of Garrett Morris appears between the two)
Brian: Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend.
Garrett: (shouts) We're not boyfriend and girlfriend!
Brian: I will never be attracted to you.
Garrett: I will never be attracted to you!
Brian: You're acting like a psycho bitch.
Garrett: You're acting like a psycho bitch!
Brian: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Garrett: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!
(Brian leaves)
Meg: I won't be ignored, Brian!
Garrett: (looks at her) Hmm. I like your ass.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley