Bill Clinton: All right, are you ready for another round of N.A.F.T.A
Lois Griffin: What does N.A.F.T.A. mean?
Bill Clinton: 'Nother Afternoon of F****** That Ass!

Meg: Wow! Bill Clinton! Hey, uh, can I get a picture of you on my cell phone?
Bill Clinton: Sure.
(Bill lifts up his shirt right when the picture was taken and it shows a nipple ring.)
Bill Clinton: You know where I got that nipple ring? Old straddlin' Madeline Albright gave it to me.

Don't mind me you guys, I'm just writing a letter to my boyfriend. Dear, my boyfriend, thank you for making out with me recently, on purpose. That was cool. Those flowers that you totally sent me, were really pretty. Just like you said I am. Love, Meg.

Peter: (on couch) Hey Meg, come here, have a seat. (Meg sits down then Peter yawns and puts his arm over Meg)
Meg: Dad? What are you doing?
Peter: Meg, I'm a redneck, which means I'm about to do something to you that you will not remember until you're 40. (Meg screams and runs away) Meg come back here! I meant sex!

Peter: Uh, Meg, uh, I got 16 candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound?
Meg: That's not right.
Peter: So... less...? more...? Too many...? Not enough...?
Meg: You stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know how old I am!
Lois: Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age... or is it?
Meg: I'm going to be 17, you jerks!
(Meg leaves her room)
Peter: She's the jerk.

Meg: Be careful daddy. I love you.
Peter: That'll do pig. That'll do.

(Peter uses a lighter to make a fire on Meg's head)
Joe: Hey, Meg don't be such a "hothead".
Meg: Huh?
Cleveland: Meg, you look "hot".
Meg: What?
Peter: Meg, I just lit your scalp on fire.

Peter: (kicking the driver's seat in the car) I WANT APPLE JUICE!!!
Meg: (sighs) You wanna watch SpongeBob?
Peter: Yes! With apple juice.
(Meg pulls down a TV screen and Peter watches SpongeBob)

Meg: We should totally be boyfriend and girlfriend.
Brian: Well, Meg, uh, you know what's strange? I-I-I think I might be gay. Um, I-I saw this penis on the Internet today and I thought to myself, "Well, that's... that's just fine."

Brian: Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday, so I'll explain it again. And here to assist me is headmaster of the New York School for the Hard-of-Hearing, Mr. Garrett Morris.
(a live-action shot of Garrett Morris appears between the two)
Brian: Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend.
Garrett: (shouts) We're not boyfriend and girlfriend!
Brian: I will never be attracted to you.
Garrett: I will never be attracted to you!
Brian: You're acting like a psycho bitch.
Garrett: You're acting like a psycho bitch!
Brian: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Garrett: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!
(Brian leaves)
Meg: I won't be ignored, Brian!
Garrett: (looks at her) Hmm. I like your ass.

(Brian, Meg and Stewie arrive at the mall to meet Meg's friends)Meg: (to her friends) Everyone, this is Brian.Friend 1: Ohh, this is Brian.Friend 3: He does look like Ben Affleck.Friend 2: He looks just like Ben Affleck.Friend 4: Is that Ben Affleck?Brian: (uninterested) Hey.Friend 4: So, how did you guys meet?Brian: I'm...uh...a friend of her dads.Friend 2: Oooh, he's older.Friend 1: He's cute.Friend 3: Do you have a brother?Friend 4: Makeup and stickers and ponies and myspace.com

(Stewie sitting at the table the morning after Meg's dance)(Brian walks in hung over)Stewie: Oh yes, the day can begin, good morning Brian. Now we can do this one of two ways, I can bust your balls to pieces right now, or we could spread it out over the course of the day.Brian: I don't want to talk about it.Stewie: Well I do, so tell me everything that happened at the dance.(Meg walks in and starts scratching Brian's ears)Meg: Morning cutie..Brian: H-h-hey(Meg walks off and pours herself a glass of orange juice)Meg: I had so much fun last night Brian. Hey I thought maybe we could go get some coffee later.Brian: Uh..I..I don't think so.Meg: Oh come on, who's a good boy? Who's a good boy huh? Who's a good boy?Brian: (wagging tail) Me...Meg: Oh yes, yes, yes who's a good boy?Brian: (continues wagging tail) I am, i'm a good boy...(stops wagging tail) uh...no no no...look..I..I..I..I got stuff to do today. Alright? Sorry..

Family Guy Quotes

Chris: Mr. Woods. How do I get a girl to like me?
James Woods: Oh Chris, I'm your father, call me "dad".
Chris: Um, okay, dad. How do I get a girl to like me?
James Woods: Well, there's a number of ways Chris. Uh, for example, Kate Moss and I had the same coke supplier, and he threw a punch social one day, and we both happened to be there, and the next thing you know, we're both in the back room, slam bang. I went bareback, babe.
Chris: Wow, she sounds like a class act.
James Woods: No, not at all Chris. No, not at all.

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)