Aunt Margarite [on her video will]: Lois, you were always my favorite niece; I just knew you would find a wonderful man who would make all your dreams come true. But I was wrong.
Peter: And now you're dead. Score one for Peter

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The fact that your last name is Griffin is a pleasantry extended to you by the family, not a legality.

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Peter: I'm having an affair.
Lois: That's ridiculous.
Peter: It's not ridiculous, it's Cybill Shepherd. She's attainable for a guy like me now.

• Permalink: It's not ridiculous, it's Cybill Shepherd. She's attainable for a guy like me now.
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Peter: Oh, hey Quagmire, how was Florida?
Quagmire: Oh, it was great! And guess what? I smuggled a whole bunch of fireworks back in my anus.
Peter: Uh, Quagmire, fireworks aren't illegal here. You could've just put 'em in your car and driven 'em up here.
Quagmire: (smugly) Huh, yeah, that's just as fun.

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Getting alcohol when you're underage isn't as easy as Obama's daughters make it look.

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Joe: I'm here to revoke your driver's license.
Peter: What? Why?
Joe: We got reckless driving, disturbing the peace, plus the driver of one of those other cars was a virgin whose hymen was busted by the airbags, so rape.

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(After running over Joe with the tank)
Peter: Joe, my god what happened?
Joe: You just ran over me you bastard! I don't know where you got that thing, but I'm impounding it!
Peter: Heheheh look at you, you look like a half-empty toothpaste.

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Peter: It sure was nice for you to invite us out on your yacht, mr Pewterschmidt.
Carter: It's not a boat, it's a yacht. Oh sorry, I thought you said boat.

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Lois: Do you mind?
Paulie: Acutally I do, you crazy broad.
Lois: I am not a crazy broad!
Peter: Oh, no no Lois, he didn't mean you're crazy like.. Elizabeth Taylor... He meant you're crazy, like.. that glue... You stick to things, you know, like an adhesive... That's all he meant

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Peter: You gonna eat that stapler?
Calahan: Umm... you can't eat a-
Peter: Wanna split it?

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Lois: Oh my god! I think Chris is having a heart attack!
Peter: We're not supposed to leave the table!

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I'm the guy who killed your bodyguard.

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