Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy
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Quagmire: Baldness is for women's crotches, not men's heads.
Peter: There ya go, that's pretty gross.

Peter: Listen, Quagmire. We hate you now.
Joe: Yeah, you used to be fun.
Peter: Yeah, now you're always either preparing for a colonoscopy or just coming back from a colonoscopy.

Quagmire: Hey slow down, drive like hell, you'll get there!
Peter: Quagmire, what the hell are you doing?
Quagmire: I'm letting all these hot rodders know this is a neighborhood, not a speedway track!

Come on, it's not so bad. You could always kill yourself.

Peter: Wow, I guess all this time Quagmire should've been saying "wiggity!"
Joe: Hah!
Peter: No, but he is our friend.

Peter: Guys, am I the only one who thinks its weird talking about Bonnie cheating on Joe in front of their baby?
Suzie: (Thinking in Patrick Stewart's voice) I think we can all benefit from a little strange every now and then. I know I will.

He used his stinky French wiener to defile her.

Secrets are what keep a marriage fresh.

Joe: It feels good to know that thanks to me and my colleagues, a lot fewer people will be injecting cocaine into their penises tonight.
Peter: Is that a thing?
Quagmire: It's a great thing.

Not having the government worked great in Somalia, but somehow we've seemed to botch it all up!

Tea Party, huh? Well, I'd like to be part of a movement. But what movement would want a fat guy who has opinions and hates listening?

Joe: Well, you can't fight City Hall.
Peter: Well, we'll see about that. ... City Hall knows karate.

Displaying quotes 133 - 144 of 844 in total

Family Guy Quotes

Peter: As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living! So we all sing Christmas Carols to lull him back to sleep.
Bob: Outrageous, How dare he say such blasphemy! I've got to do something.
Man: Bob, there's nothing you can do.
Bob: Well I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humour

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley