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Family-guy

Chris: A guy's name was Robbie back then?
Peter: The Bible's fuzzy on that.

Peter: It's the greatest story ever told, Meg. A story that goes back over 100 years.
Chris: Yay, Star Wars!
Peter: No, Chris. It's the story of Christmas and the Immaculate Conception. You guys were born the dirty way. Now gather around, everybody, and hear the awe-inspiring tale that's caused millions and millions of deaths!

Peter: Okay, Dick Wolf. Make the same Law and Order six times. Oh, and also, could you marry Matt Weiner? Because I want your name to be Dick Weiner.
Dick Wolf: Okay, but can I go by Dick Wolf Weiner?
Peter: Oh my god, yes.

Peter: JJ Abrams, you take wonder and complexity and present it in a way that no one can possibly understand.
JJ Abrams: I've got an alien that goes back in time and encounters a koala bear in an Eastern European town.
Peter: Totally confusing. Do it.

Peter: I'm the guy who ruined television, and I'm the guy who's gonna fix it!
Homer Simpson: Guys, I broke television! And now you have to help me fix it!
Peter: Haha, this looks like this is one we beat you to!

Wait till you see Breaking Bad; I don't know what it was, but now it's on rollerskates.

Peter: Dear Cary Elwes, I have been meaning to contact you for some time. I have never been able to figure out if you are famous. You were a big deal in one thing, but you were wearing a mask for most it. Do you consider your career a disappointment, or rather, did you exceed your own expectations? Yours truly, Peter Griffin. P.S. You were in Robin Hood: Men In Tights. Did you know that?

Brian, keys. Chris, beer. Meg, ugly!

Okay, who replaced my glasses with forks? I mean, they're really good for seeing forks, but not for much else.

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