Peter: It's the greatest story ever told, Meg. A story that goes back over 100 years.
Chris: Yay, Star Wars!
Peter: No, Chris. It's the story of Christmas and the Immaculate Conception. You guys were born the dirty way. Now gather around, everybody, and hear the awe-inspiring tale that's caused millions and millions of deaths!

Chris: A guy's name was Robbie back then?
Peter: The Bible's fuzzy on that.

Peter: Okay, Dick Wolf. Make the same Law and Order six times. Oh, and also, could you marry Matt Weiner? Because I want your name to be Dick Weiner.
Dick Wolf: Okay, but can I go by Dick Wolf Weiner?
Peter: Oh my god, yes.

Peter: JJ Abrams, you take wonder and complexity and present it in a way that no one can possibly understand.
JJ Abrams: I've got an alien that goes back in time and encounters a koala bear in an Eastern European town.
Peter: Totally confusing. Do it.

Peter: I'm the guy who ruined television, and I'm the guy who's gonna fix it!
Homer Simpson: Guys, I broke television! And now you have to help me fix it!
Peter: Haha, this looks like this is one we beat you to!

Wait till you see Breaking Bad; I don't know what it was, but now it's on rollerskates.

Peter: Dear Cary Elwes, I have been meaning to contact you for some time. I have never been able to figure out if you are famous. You were a big deal in one thing, but you were wearing a mask for most it. Do you consider your career a disappointment, or rather, did you exceed your own expectations? Yours truly, Peter Griffin. P.S. You were in Robin Hood: Men In Tights. Did you know that?

Brian, keys. Chris, beer. Meg, ugly!

Okay, who replaced my glasses with forks? I mean, they're really good for seeing forks, but not for much else.

Stewie: No, that's great, actually because, now anyone walking behind you will know you had 60 dollars.
Peter: Whoa, that is awesome, Lois! Your bum looks like an NBA star's arm! Except it's not paying someone to install a Playstation in a car.

Chris: Dad, how did you get Mom out of the house so we could decorate?
Peter: Well Chris, I constructed a very elaborate fake grocery store.

Lois: He seems nice.
Peter: Sorry, I missed all that. I was tweeting.

Family Guy Quotes

Chris: Mr. Woods. How do I get a girl to like me?
James Woods: Oh Chris, I'm your father, call me "dad".
Chris: Um, okay, dad. How do I get a girl to like me?
James Woods: Well, there's a number of ways Chris. Uh, for example, Kate Moss and I had the same coke supplier, and he threw a punch social one day, and we both happened to be there, and the next thing you know, we're both in the back room, slam bang. I went bareback, babe.
Chris: Wow, she sounds like a class act.
James Woods: No, not at all Chris. No, not at all.

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)