Doesn't it make more sense…to kill her?

Brian: Bazinga!
Peter: Haha, like what the guy scientist says. Brian, say something else from TV!
Brian: Watchu talkin bout Willis!?

A huge part of being an idiot is calling people out for thinking they're better than you.

Peter: You want a beer?
Brian: Peter, it's 11 AM.
Peter: If the clock ain't digital, you don't know that!

I don't speak for Jesus, I just get him trim.

Peter: Like, anything in the universe?
Jesus: Anything.
Peter: Brookstone massage chair.
Jesus: Are you sure?
Peter: Never been more sure about anything in my life.

Peter: Oh look Jesus, you shouldn't be alone during Christmas. And if I remember correctly, isn't your birthday sometime soon too?
Jesus: Ah whatever, I'm fine. I'll probably just reheat some ramen and watch Grey's Anatomy.

You want me to pick up something on the way or, no you're good?

Oh it's not that much Lois, just infinity times what you bring home every week.

Oh I will find one. I mean, you are looking at the guy who found the fountain of youth. It is very far away from here,

Well last night me and Brian got drunk and ate the turkey, but before you get mad we also ate the salad.

I'm the guy who killed your bodyguard.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Stewie: Ooh, let me have some of that Cool Hwhip.
Brian: What'd you say?
Stewie: You can't have a pie without Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Hwhip?
Stewie: Cool Hwhip, yeah.
Brian: You mean Cool Whip.
Stewie: Yeah, Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the H?
Stewie: What are you talking about? I'm just saying it. Cool Hwhip. You put Cool Hwhip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Say whip.
Stewie: Whip.
Brian: Now say Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: You're eating hair!
(Stewie spits out pie)