Peter: Let me help you! I'm great at finding stuff. Last night, I found Lois's g-spot!
Lois: No, he didn't!
Peter: I didn't think she was home.

Lesbians have regular carpets, too, you pervs.

Wow, Chicago--the San Francisco treat.

I hate to sound like every woman ever, but I'm depressed.

Peter: I had an affair and I think we should talk about it.
Lois: Peter, jamming yourself into a grapefruit is not an affair.

Peter: Fresh air is bad for a kid. Look at Michael J. Fox.
Lois: What?
Peter: I don't know.

Peter: I am going to the Clam and I am getting my booth back! And Meg, you're gay.
Meg: No, I'm not.
Peter: You like guys, right?
Meg: Yeah.
Peter: That's called being gay.

Scumbag: Smells like this guy's already wet himself.
Peter: Don't flatter yourself--that was from this morning.

We're supposed to stick together! Like goatee guys at a barbecue!

Says 'Glenn Quagmire.' But if you squint and imagine it says 'Peter Griffin,' it says 'Peter Griffin'!

Peter: Peter: My hog cannot partake in the slop this evening.

Quagmire: What was Simon without Garfunkel?
Peter: Wildly successful?

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley