I want you on my team for everything... except for sports.

I want Hershey kiss nipples, and I want you to pay for them!

Lois: (while Peter plays harmonica music) I accidentally backed over a kid in the grocery store parking lot. Peter, I'm serious. I ran right over the soft part of the face. I had to run away. I ditched the car and snuck on a passing train. I was so scared, I didn't get off until I was in the south. What'd you do today?
Peter: I pushed a boy behind your car so I could do all this harmonica stuff.

Oh my god. It was in the tub, and now it's in my butt!

Peter: The only thing I ever won was an extra day of summer. (cutaway scene starts)
Lois: Okay, Peter, one more day.
Peter: Yay! (runs outside in swim trunks, then back inside) I saw what I look like in a car window, and now I don't wanna go.

Chris: Hey, check it out, there's an air show!
Lois: Oh my god, they're gonna crash!
Peter: Oh no don't worry, it's a gay air show. They're just gonna lightly touch tips.

The proudest day of a man's life is when his dog goes off to college.

Peter: And Meg, you yourself said lip gloss unicorns Channing Tatum something something bullcrap.
Meg: You were listening the whole time?

Lois: Peter, where'd you even get the money to make that kind of purchase?
Peter: I sold the house. And I did it on Craigslist, so now I have a dangerous friend!

Lois: Peter, you went out and bought a farm without talking to me about it?
Peter: Well, Lois, in my defense, I have nothing to back up the first part of my sentence.

Well, you guys, we did it. We finally went to a restaurant without somebody yelling at us, and then the rest of the place applauding them.

Lois: Well, I disagree with you guys. I think Quahog is still pretty great.
Peter: You know, it's hard for me to take the things you say seriously when I know what's been in that mouth of yours.

Family Guy Quotes

[when he has an orgasm with Carolyn] Wait. Wait! Wait!! OHHHH!!! And boom goes the dynamite.

Cleveland

Meg: I wanna watch George Lopez!
Chris: That show only perpetuates the stereotype that George Lopez is funny