Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy
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Brian: Amazing, you can barely drive a car, and yet you are allowed to fly a blimp?
Peter: Yeah, America's great, except for the south

Quagmire: Hey Peter, you want to play "drink the beer"?
Peter: Sure. (takes drink of beer)
Quagmire: You win!
Peter: What do I win?
Quagmire: Another beer!
Peter: Oh man, I'm going for the high score!
Quagmire: Actually, Charlie has the high score.
Charlie [peeing in grandfather clock]: Hey man, your clock won't flush

Peter: Not a word to your mother about my getting canned.
Lois: What?
Peter: Nothing. Ooh, the lost-my-job smells great!
Lois: Excuse me?
Peter: Uh...Meg, honey, could you please pass the fired-my-ass-for-negligence?
Lois: Peter, are you feeling okay?
Peter: What are you talking about, Lois? I feel great. I haven't got a job in the world

How the hell am I going to break this to Lois? If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's going to blame me!

Displaying quotes 841 - 844 of 844 in total

Family Guy Quotes

North Dakota, we're not even the best Dakota!

Peter

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley