Carnie: Step right up, step right up! You won't believe your eyes. Step right up and see the amazing half man, half clam.
Peter: What a ripoff, it's just Kim Cattrall sitting Indian style

Peter: Sometimes we all need a second chance. Sometimes we all need to forgive!
Chris: I stole ten dollars from Meg's room.
Meg: I stole ten dollars from mom's purse.
Lois: I've been making counterfeit ten dollar bills for years

Meg: Ugh, it' so hot out there.
Griffins: How hot is it?
Meg: I don't know. Like around 98, 99.
Peter: I don't get it

All Brian's ever wanted is the same respect he gives us. Well, that and snausages. He's freakin' mental for those snausages!

Alex Trebek: For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95% of all cosmetic products.
Peter Griffin: Diarrhea! What? Oh, oh, oh sorry, sorry. What is Diarrhea?

Peter: Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits! It says, "Oooooo!"
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios

Peter: Huh, I didn't know anyone in this family had any talent. Well, except for that thing your mother does.
Chris: You mean play the piano?
Peter: No no, she... yeah

Meg: Nice going, Mom. I finally get my driver's licence, and you lose the car to a poker machine? How ironic!
Peter: Hey, don't talk to your mother like that! She is not an i-ron

You're not supposed to admire wheelchair people. You're supposed to feel sorry for them

Lois: They might be very nice people.
Peter: Very nice people, yeah that's what they always say. Then you open up the septic tank and BAM, skeleton city

Mr. Weed: Unfortunately, Johnson isn't here to pitch today, his wife is in labor.
Peter: Oh what, is the baby coming out of him? Jeez, I'll pitch

Joe: Say, do you have a screwdriver I can borrow?
Peter: Man, you neighbors are like viruses, starts with a screwdriver, then before you know it you're using my supermarket, dry cleaner, even my postman

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

The secret to happiness is burying all your true feelings and living a life of bland compromise.