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Family-guy

Listen Chris, I read a book saying that women are from Venus, all right, so here's what you get her. Thick layers of sulphuric acid, viscous surface rock, and coronets which seem to be collapsed domes of a large magma chamber. Here's five dollars

Aw, the South! Isn't that the place where the black guys are lazy, and the white guys are just as lazy, but they're mad at the black guys for being so lazy

Employer: So, Peter, where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter [thinking]: Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife."
Peter: Doing your...[sees the employer's family picture] son?

Lois [at a drive through with Lois' sister in labor]: Peter, why have we stopped?
Peter: Yeah, I'll have 3 cheeseburgers...
Lois: Peter, for God's sake! She's having a baby!
Peter: Oh, that's right, and a kid's meal

Brian: Insert rod support A into slot B.
Peter: That's what...
Brian: If you say "That's what she said" one more time, I swear I'm gonna pop you one

Lois: Peter, why are you staring into the dryer?
Peter: I'm watching the latest episode of Laundry Theater. See? Now those are Chris' socks, right? They don't know that Stewie's shirt is having an affair with Meg's trousers. It's fun to watch rich people be naughty!

Lois: Peter listen to me. My sister just called. Her baby's due any day now and Ted just walked out on her.
Peter: Woah! Woah! Back it up. You have a sister?
Lois: I promised her I'd be on the next train. Poor Carol. All alone in that big house.
Peter: Wait a minute. Carol. Is she the one with the Jacuzzi and the pool table?
Lois: Yeah.
Peter: Yeah, better come with you.

Brian: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
Peter: Um, if by "read" you mean imagined a naked lady, then, yes

Jake [pointing to fat Peter]: What's that, daddy?
Tom Tucker: Why that's Mercury, Jake, the planet closest to the sun. Though what it's doing down here by the waterfront, I haven't the foggiest. We should probably ask a scientist...
Peter: I'm a guy, you jackass

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