Peter: Where did you get that?
Death: It was e-mailed me by your HMO.
Peter: Just because my doctor was hittin' on me, doesn't mean you have to call him names

Lois: Peter, who cares how much it is? You've just got the most important bill of all. A clean bill of health.
Peter: Jeez, Lois. How long have you been waiting to crack out that gem?

Peter: Look. Here they are. My family. Guys, I don't say this often enough, but I'm gonna die!
Lois: Oh my god.
Stewie: High five! Anyone? Anyone?

Diane: And now to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa, who filed this report... all by herself!
Trisha: Thanks Diane. I'm standing here at the bar where townsperson Peter Griffin withstood a barrage of bullets and did not die. Peter, you're telling me if I shot you with this channel 5 pistol you will be completely unharmed?
Peter: Why don't you give it a shot? Ah ah ah! Oh god! Oh god! Ah... haha just kidding

Peter: I'm fine! What are ya, coming on to me now?
Lois: Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you that you're healthy.
Doctor: Can it be both?

Wait a second. That's it! They can't make a dead guy pay his bill. All I gotta do is write "deceased" right here where it says name and where it says sex, I'll write "no thanks, I'm dead". It's bulletproof

I'd like to propose a toast to our neighbors. Sure they might be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but hey, if they moved out some smelly Hawaiians might move in

And Joe, I've had new neighbors before, but none of them were half the man you are, and since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure

Peter: Wait a minute! Meg, when did you become a teenager?
Lois: She's 16, Peter.
Peter: You knew about this?

That was then and this is now. And this is a chair. And that's a lamp. And you have boobies. And I'm gonna find that trophy!

Peter [about a handbag]: Oh I love you sweety. What are they like 10 bucks?
Meg: More like eleven...hundred.
Peter: Heh, you wished I loved you that much

Joe: Peter wanted the trophy the most.
Peter: I couldn't have stolen the trophy. Last night I was stealing Joe's ladder so I could steal the trophy tonight.
Lois: Peter!
Peter: What? It's a ladder, he's not gonna use it. That's like taking a watch off a dead guy

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice little story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3 years? Huh? Gotta, gotta compelling protagonist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yea, talking about that 3 years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? No, no, you deserve some time off

Stewie