Meg: Nice going, Mom. I finally get my driver's licence, and you lose the car to a poker machine? How ironic!
Peter: Hey, don't talk to your mother like that! She is not an i-ron

You're not supposed to admire wheelchair people. You're supposed to feel sorry for them

Lois: They might be very nice people.
Peter: Very nice people, yeah that's what they always say. Then you open up the septic tank and BAM, skeleton city

Mr. Weed: Unfortunately, Johnson isn't here to pitch today, his wife is in labor.
Peter: Oh what, is the baby coming out of him? Jeez, I'll pitch

Joe: Say, do you have a screwdriver I can borrow?
Peter: Man, you neighbors are like viruses, starts with a screwdriver, then before you know it you're using my supermarket, dry cleaner, even my postman

Peter: Boy, I got myself into a real situation, didn't I? But don't worry, I've got a plan to get us out of this!
Brian: Oh, good, I was afraid you were just going to improvise.
Peter: Oh, well actually I was gonna use the little girl as a human shield and run like hell! But uh, yeah, improvise. That'll be easier on my back

Old Woman: Help! Someone just stole my purse!
Peter: Who cares, I don't even know you

Where am I gonna find a ringer as strong as Guillermo? One time, I walked into the locker room; I swear he was bench-pressing Mr. Weed

Jeez Lois, I just spent all morning on a boat with my friends drinking beers, telling jokes, and screwin' around. How 'bout a little me time?

Man: Wow, Lois Griffin, Hey, I love your act! Nice melons.
Peter: Now listen pal!
Lois: Peter, I'm holding melons.
Peter: Oh.
Man: And her hooters aint bad either.
Peter: Now hold on a second.
Lois: Peter! I'm holding hooters!
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem.... Your wife's hot
Peter: Alright that's it

Peter: I know you cant understand what I'm going through, Lois. I mean all the stuff that makes you happy, you know, like cooking and cleaning - it's alright here in the house just waiting for you. You are one lucky...
Brian: Uh, uh stop. Now

[Stewie stumbles up to Lois...]
Stewie: Hello mother, care to partake in your oh so exhilarating games of Peek-A-Boo?
Lois: Oh my god, my baby's drunk!
Peter: No I'm not, what, oh him? Oh yeah, he's a real light weight

Family Guy Quotes

Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show? Peter that's not gonna work, you can't just --

Lois

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)