Meg: Ugh, it' so hot out there.
Griffins: How hot is it?
Meg: I don't know. Like around 98, 99.
Peter: I don't get it

All Brian's ever wanted is the same respect he gives us. Well, that and snausages. He's freakin' mental for those snausages!

Alex Trebek: For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95% of all cosmetic products.
Peter Griffin: Diarrhea! What? Oh, oh, oh sorry, sorry. What is Diarrhea?

Peter: Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits! It says, "Oooooo!"
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios

Peter: Huh, I didn't know anyone in this family had any talent. Well, except for that thing your mother does.
Chris: You mean play the piano?
Peter: No no, she... yeah

Meg: Nice going, Mom. I finally get my driver's licence, and you lose the car to a poker machine? How ironic!
Peter: Hey, don't talk to your mother like that! She is not an i-ron

You're not supposed to admire wheelchair people. You're supposed to feel sorry for them

Lois: They might be very nice people.
Peter: Very nice people, yeah that's what they always say. Then you open up the septic tank and BAM, skeleton city

Mr. Weed: Unfortunately, Johnson isn't here to pitch today, his wife is in labor.
Peter: Oh what, is the baby coming out of him? Jeez, I'll pitch

Joe: Say, do you have a screwdriver I can borrow?
Peter: Man, you neighbors are like viruses, starts with a screwdriver, then before you know it you're using my supermarket, dry cleaner, even my postman

Peter: Boy, I got myself into a real situation, didn't I? But don't worry, I've got a plan to get us out of this!
Brian: Oh, good, I was afraid you were just going to improvise.
Peter: Oh, well actually I was gonna use the little girl as a human shield and run like hell! But uh, yeah, improvise. That'll be easier on my back

Old Woman: Help! Someone just stole my purse!
Peter: Who cares, I don't even know you

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley