Stewie: I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here.
Peter: Hey stinky. Have we got big plans for you.
Stewie: Plans? What the devil are you talking about?

Peter: Meg, you're home late.
Meg: I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading.
Peter: Well, don't keep me in suspense. How'd you do?
Meg: I'll give you a hint. I S-U-C-K-E-D! Sucked! Sucked!
Peter: Yay! Oh, I mean, sorry, honey

Meg: Daddy, you must think I'm the worst daughter ever.
Peter: Oh no you're not honey. What about that fat girl from the Judds?

Face it, I'm a bad husband, a lousy father, and a snappy dresser

Come on everyone, we're late for the Bavarian Folk Festival. You know those Germans, if you don't join their party they'll come get ya!

Sorry Meg. Daddy loves ya, but Daddy also loves Star Trek, and in all fairness, Star Trek was here first

Peter: Let's play a game called Takin' the fall for Daddy. If you win, I'll buy you a convertible when you get your license.
Meg: Really? Oh Daddy, now I love you again.
Peter: Oh, you're gonna make some Jewish guy a great wife

Meg: Dad, if I don't get my driver's license, I'll never have any boyfriends, I'll never get married and I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell.
Peter: Meg ... are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive?

Peter: What can me and you do together? (Lois giggles) Lois, you've got a sick mind!
Lois: Peter, I'm talkin' about making love.
Peter: Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money

Lois: Peter, what did you promise me last night?
Peter: I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter: Drank at the stag pa-woah, I almost walked right into that one

Peter: I told Lois I wouldn't drink.
Quagmire: Don't feel so bad Peter.
Peter: Hey, I never thought of it that way

When she worries she says things like "I told you so" and "stop doing that, I'm asleep."

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley