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Family-guy

Cleveland: I can't believe how terrible the fishing was.
Peter: Yeah, all we caught was a tire, a boot, a tin can, and this book of clichés

Lois: Peter, its seven in the morning!
Brian: Thanks for the update Big Ben.
[Brian and Peter Laugh]
Lois: You're drunk again!
Peter: No, I'm just exhausted from bein' up all night drinkin'.
Lois: Listen, Peter, if you keep this up something terrible's gonna happen.
Peter: Somethin' terrible... all the way to the bank!
Brian: Nice

Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: Now that's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!

It's like I died and went to heaven, but then it turned out it wasn't my time, and they sent me to a brewery

Beer that never goes flat. Do you know what that means, Brian? This beer will still be carbonated long after you die of old age and we buy another dog to help the kids ... y'know, forget about you

Lois, everyone has their sanctuary. The Catholics have churches, fat people have Wisconsin, and I have the Pawtucket Brewery

Game Show Host: This one is for Peter Griffin and Tony Randall.
Game Show Announcer: The password is..."flaming."
Peter: You...
Tony Randall: Actor.
Peter: You...
Tony Randall: Tony?
Peter: You...

Gays don't vomit. They're a very clean people. And they have been ever since they came to this country from France

Peter: You know that whole Vietnam thing? Never happened.
Brian: Oh yeah, but don't mention it around the Veterans Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie

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