The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXFavorite Principal Skinner Quotes
Principal Skinner: Willie, go into the vent and get him.
Groundskeeper Willie: What!? Have ye gone waxy in yer beester? I canna fit in the wee vent, ye croquet-playin' mint-muncher!
Principal Skinner: Grease yourself up and go in, you guff-speaking work-slacker.
Groundskeeper Willie: Ooh. Good comeback.
Damn! They're very slowly getting away!
Principal Skinner: (thinking) I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just a little reminder. If I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me. I think words I would never say.
Homer: (thinking) I know you can read my thoughts, boy. (singing) Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.
Principal Skinner: Martin Prince was known by many names. Martin Priss, Martin Princess, Fartsin Prince, Martin the Brown-Nose Reindeer...
Dolph: That was mine.
Principal Skinner: Ralph Wiggum will be standing in for your lectern.
Ralph: I'm a furniture.
Superintendent Chalmers: You're fired!
Principal Skinner: I'm sorry, did... did you just call me a liar?
Superintendent Chalmers: No, I said you were fired.
Principal Skinner: Oh. That's much worse.
Principal Skinner: Er, one question remains: how do I get out of the army?
Bart: No problemo. Just make a pass at your commanding officer.
Principal Skinner: Done and done. And I mean done!
Skinner: So from now on our cafeteria will only serve delicious Stuffwich's heroes, hoagies, and torpedoes.
Nelson: What about po' boys?
Skinner: Sorry, Nelson. Poor boys, such as yourself, will go hungry.
(Principal Skinner finally stands up to Bart's peanut threats.)
Principal Skinner: Simpson, you've been waving your nuts in my face for too long. Eat shrimp and die!
(Principal Skinner holds up a stick with a shrimp attached to it.)
Bart: No! I'm allergic!
(Bart holds up his stick with a peanut attached to it.)
Principal Skinner: Stick-on-stick. Just like the knights of old.
Bart: No one teaches me history!
Kent Brockman: But there's already one big winner...Our state school system, which gets fully half the profits from the library.
Skinner: Just think what we can buy with that money...History books that know how the Korean War came out. Math books that don't have that base six crap in them! And a state-of-the-art detention hall, where children are held in place by magnets.
Principal Skinner: (Over phone) I know Weinstein's parents were upset Superintendent, but I was sure it was a phony holiday. I mean, it sounds so made-up: Yom kip-pur!
Bart: Hey, what's this?
Principal Skinner: Oh, that's my old unit from Vietnam. I was their sergeant, they were my loyal troops. (photo shows Skinner saluting and his men scowling at him) That photo was taken shortly before I was shot in the back which was very strange because it was during a Bob Hope show. I was trying to get Joey Heatherton to put on some pants, for God's sake.
