The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXFavorite Ralph Wiggum Quotes
Umpire: Okay, let's go over the ground rules. You can't leave first until you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. You have to chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. Oh, and the fourth inning is the beer inning.
Wiggum: Hey, we know how to play softball!
Dear Miss Hoover. You have Lyme disease. We miss you. Kevin's biting me, come back soon. Here is a drawing of a spyrokeet. Love Ralph.
Bart: How'd a pull up like you get a great card like that?
Ralph: My not-dead grandma sent it from Tokyo.
Bart: Ralph, I will play you for that card.
Ralph: Okay, but if I win, you'll have to teach me how to play this game
Chief Wiggum: I'd like to help you ma'am, but, heh heh, I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters.
Marge: (indignantly) I'm pretty sure there is.
Chief Wiggum: Hah! The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle --
Lou: Hey, she's right, Chief. (shows him "Springfield Law".)
Chief Wiggum: Well, shut my mouth. It's ALSO illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling.
(Shot of Eddie the cop with squirrels running around in his pants, and a bunch of cops watching and laughing) Boys, knock it off!
And when the doctor said I didn't have worms anymore, that was the happiest day of my life!
</i> Ralph
Homer: You know, one day honest citizens are going to stand up to you crooked cops.
Chief Wiggum: They are!? Oh no! Ha-have they set a date?
Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. He is the cancer, and I am the...um...What cures cancer?
Chief Wiggum
(Answers phone) Uh, no you've got the wrong number. This is 9-1... 2.
Miss Hoover: You see, class, my Lyme Disease turned out to be (Spells on blackboard) psychosomatic.
Ralph: Does that mean you're crazy?
Janey: No, that means she was faking it.
Miss Hoover: No, actually, it was a little of both.
The doctor said I wouldnt have so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger outta there.
Lou: There's a couple of guys fighting at the Aquarium Chief.
Chief Wiggum: Do they still sell those frozen bananas?
Lou: I think so.
Chief Wiggum: Lets roll.
Homer: Hello, Police? Are you sitting down? Good! I wish to report a robbery.
Chief Wiggum: (bored) A robbery, right. Thanks for the report. (hangs up) That's another one, Lou 723 Evergreen Terrace. (Looks at a map with the robbery locations marked on it) Well, there doesn't seem to be any pattern yet, but if I take this one and move it hereand I move these over here hello! It almost looks like an arrow!
Lou: Hey, look, Chief: it's pointing right at this police station.
Chief Wiggum: Let's get out of here!
