South Park

Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy Central
South park
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TV Announcer: See Terrance and Phillip live and in person!
Stan: What's this?

Phillip: I'm looking for a mechanic. Can you tell me how to get to the auto garage?
Terrance: Sure, buddy! All you need to do is go down to the - (he farts loudly so nobody could hear what he is saying) - and that's how you get to the auto garage!
Phillip: Can you tell me how to get to the auto garage without farting?
Terrance: Sure. You go the same way except stick your finger up your ass.
Phillip: No, no, no! I mean, could you tell me the directions again without you farting?
Terrance: Ooh! Sure! Just stick your finger up my ass.
Phillip: Alright, no problem, buddy. (sticks finger up his ass) Now, tell me, how do I get to the auto garage to see a mechanic?
Terrance: You're at the auto garage. I am the mechanic.
Phillip: Why the heck didn't you tell me you were the mechanic?
Stan: (watching it on TV) Because I had an itch up my ass.
Terrance: Because I had an itch up my ass.

Some thing very terrible has happened in the world of Terrance and Phillip!

Jesus tap-dancing Christ, is this thing ever gonna end!?!

</i> Stan

We snuck into that woman's spandex to get in here.

Cartman: Look, if you don't come and do the show, I'll make you eat your parents.
Phillip: Yeah, whatever, kid.
Stan: He'll do it, dude.

Kyle: Hey! Look at that line! It's way shorter.
Stan: I don't think we're female groupies or random sluts.
Cartman: Kenny's a random slut.

Kyle: Dude, I think it might be best for us to never piss Cartman off again.
Stan: Good call.

Cartman, you are so goddamn stupid it is unbelievable.

(Stan trying to convince Kyle to leave with him)
Kyle: I'm not going anywhere.
Stan: Goddamnit I'm not going with you, I wanna stay here.
Kyle: Huh? I thought you wanted to leave.
Stan: Oh wait who am I again?
Kyle: You're Stan.

(Stan asking Jesus for help with defeating Blaine)
Jesus: The miracle I'm most famous for is turning water into wine.
Stan: Can you do it again?
Jesus: Very well. I shall perform the miracle. Behold, here you can see ordinary water, clear, clean. Okay now turn around.
(Stan surprised)
Turn around.
(Stan turns around and Jesus replaces the jug of water on the table with a jug of wine)
It is now wine!
Stan: That's it? That's how you did that trick?
Jesus: Uh, well, yeah.
Stan: That trick sucks Jesus.
Jesus: Oh, I guess it worked a little better on people 2,000 years ago.

Blainetologist: Where are you going?
(blocks stan from the exit)
Stan: I'm going home?
Blainetologist: You don't want to go home.
Stan: You said we're free to leave whenever we want.
Blainetologist: You are...
Stan: But what about the way?
Blainetologist: I'm not in the way... You are. Are you unhappy with the Church's teachings? Let's just talk about it.
Stan: I don't want to talk about it, I just want to leave.
Blainetologist: Why don't we go in the backroom for a second... Then you can leave.
Stan: That's ok, I... I changed my mind, I'm gonna stay.
Blainetologist (with a sinister smile): That's great news.

Displaying quotes 73 - 84 of 360 in total

South Park Quotes

James Cameron doesn't do what James Cameron does for James Cameron. James Cameron does what James Cameron does because James Cameron is James Cameron!

James Cameron

It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation, this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.

</i> Cartman
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