Stewie: Just hang on! All right?! There's a lot of us! There's a lot-- It's a big order!
Stewart: What time do they stop serving breakfast?
Stewie: It's 3:00!
Stewart: Some of them serve breakfast all day.
Stewie: None of 'em serve breakfast all day!
Dorn: Do they have beer?

Drive-Thru Teller: Yes, welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you?
Stewie: Oh, hailing frequencies open, huh? [chuckles] Uh, yeah. We're gonna get 2 McChicken Sandwiches and a Diet Coke and... What do you want, Michael?
Dorn: A McDLT.
Stewie: No. I already told you, they don't make those anymore.
Dorn: You know, sometimes it's a regional thing. You could ask.
Stewie: No McDonald's anywhere makes a McDLT anymore!
Frakes: I'd love a Shamrock Shake if they got any of those.
Stewie: It's September, Jonathan!
Burton: [w/visor on] Stewie, can I take this ****ing headband off?
Stewie: No, LeVar. You're blind. That's the only way you can see.

Sirtis: Stewie, I'm not really much of a fast food eater.
Stewie: Yeah? Can you read my mind? Can you tell what I'm thinking right now? I'm thinkin' "shut up and get a salad".
Spiner: I want some McNuggets.
Stewie: We'll get to you, Brent!

Brian: Oh, there's my laptop. Do you mind? I want to check my e-mail.
Stewie: Go away! I'm editing this music video I'm making for Susie.
Brian: [voice rising in pitch] Oh, really. Music video? Working on a little video there? Little, uh... little music video? Little compilation of visual images to go with the song? Little four minute movie that tells the story of a...
Stewie: Yeah, that only works when I do it.

Brian: What's it called?
Stewie "Susie".
Brian: [sarcastically] Wow, a song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already.
Stewie: [annoyed] Name twenty!
Brian: "Rosanna", "Roxanne", "Michelle", "Allison", "Sarah", "Angie", "Brandy", "Mandy", "Gloria", "Cecilia", "Maggie May", "Jessica", "Nancy", "Barbara Ann", "Billie Jean", "Layla", "Lola", "Polly", "Helena", "Jenny from the Block".
Stewie: Name six more.
Brian: "Sherry", "Laura", "Wendy", "Maria", "Peggy Sue", "Minnie the Moocher".
Stewie: Name five more.
Brian: "Tracy", "Jean", "Jane", "Mary Ann", "Eleanor Rigby".
[Short pause; Stewie then throws his guitar on the floor and walks out]
Stewie: Go fuck yourself.

Stewie: Hey, New Brian. Oh, I see you're having pie. You know, pie isn't really pie without Cool Hwhip.
[Stewie doesn't get a reaction from New Brian.]
Stewie: Everything's better with Cool Hwhip.
[Still no reaction.]
Stewie: Did you hear what I said?
New Brian: Yeah, what about it?
Stewie: It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it? "Cool Hwhip?"
New Brian: No, why would it?
Stewie: Cool Hwhip. I'm putting emphasis on the H.
New Brian: Sounds right to me.
Stewie: Nothing ever bothers you, does it?
New Brian: No, not really. I like everything.
Stewie: God, he's a bigger buzz kill than Buzz Killington.
[Camera widens to reveals Buzz Killington sitting on a recliner next to Stewie and New Brian]
Killington: Stewie, do you know why W. S. Gilbert was frequently drunk on his transatlantic crossings?
Stewie: No...
Killington: Because he was quartered on the port-side! [chuckles] Now that I've got you, let's both revisit the birth of the D'Oyly Carte Opera Company.

"The young soldier fart his brother looked at each other. Fart both knew that with love, fart truth, fart courage, they would both emerge "stfarting" on their feet." [frowns, then undoes everything] Ugh, that one didn't work.

I'm gonna take Brian's novel and replace every use of the word "and" with the word "fart".

Stewie: All right, Brian, we'll go. But don't touch anything while we're there. Even stepping on a mosquito can cause a chain reaction that drastically alters the present.
Brian: Really?
Stewie: Nah. You can do whatever you want.

Peter: Brian, can I see that paper for a sec? [Brian hands him the paper] Huh, that's odd. I thought that would be big news.
Brian: You thought what would be big news?
Peter: Well, there seems to be an absence of a certain ornithological piece. A headline regarding mass awareness of a certain avian variety.
Brian: What are you talking about?
Peter: Oh, have you not heard? It was my understanding that everyone had heard...
Brian: Heard what?
Stewie: Brian, don't! [Peter puts the record on and starts dancing and singing]

Stewie: Ah, things'll work out for you. Now, come on, let's forget our problems and get lost in the world of books. [picks up a book] Ooh! "Horton Hears Domestic Violence in the Next Apartment and Doesn't Call 911!"
[Cutaway to Horton the Elephant sitting in a chair reading a book. From another room, we hear a couple arguing]
Man: You think it's easy working all day?!
Woman: No-
Man: You think I like it?!
Woman: I don't think it's easy, but, yes, I do think you like it!
Man: No, I- yeah, I like being away from you, 'cause I can't stand looking at you!
Woman: You- [we hear a blow land. She screams and starts sobbing]
Man: Hey, you think I wanna do that?! YOU THINK I WANNA HURT YOU?!
Woman: NOT IN FRONT OF THE BABY- [we hear another blow land, and another scream, followed by more sobbing]
Man: I DON'T WANNA HURT YOU! YOU MAKE ME HURT YOU!
Horton: [to himself] I'm sure there's two sides to this.

Brian: Wish it, Want it, Do it.
Stewie: Love it!

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Now I may be an idiot, but there's one thing I am not sir, and that sir, is an idiot.

Peter