Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
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Yeah that's right. You buy your kid ridiculously homoerotic dolls and then ask what happened. Yep, your gay son is on you, buddy. Explain that one to your god.

A perfectly normal little boy! Who just happens to be a transvestite! Which ... begins with the letter T.

Julie: I'm not a lesbian.
Stewie [as Karina]: I'm not either.
Brian: What are you exactly?

Stewie: I think I'm in love with Julie. Whenever I talk to her, it makes my bandaid start to peel off.
Brian: What are you talking about?
Stewie: I'm talking about the thing. I gotta hide it for the cameras. Instead of tucking, I just push it in like a button and put a bandaid over it.
Brian: What kind of bandaid?
Stewie: A big one, big giant one. Nah, just one of those dots you put on a shot.

Stewie: Say Brian, now that I think about it, how can you possibly have a thirteen year old son, when you yourself are only seven?
Brian: Well, those are dog years.
Stewie: That doesn't make any sense.
Brian: You know what Stewie, If you don't like it, go on the internet and complain.

Brian: Gosh, this is a... lovely home Tracy.
Stewie: That's so weird. It smells like there's a cat, but I bet there's no cat.

Stewie: Brian, this is painful. It's like listening to those two foreign guys down at the coffee shop who've been living in the US almost long enough to sound American.
(scene cuts to coffee shop)
Guy #1: Oh man, what a good bunch of partying at that disco-tech. They played one of my audience requests.
Guy #2: Way awesome! I myself drank like five liters of beer. Any more and I would have ended up in hospital man.
Guy #1: Oh you said it friend, but I wanted to stay, because I almost had sex on this girl.
Guy #2: Oh yeah, but it was so expensive. Each drink was like six dollars forty!

Brian; So, Dylan... shouldn't you be in school?
Dylan: I dunno.
Brian: It's Wednesday.
Dylan: Up yours!
Stewie: Nice kid.

Tracy: Brian, this is Dylan, he's (pause) your son.
Stewie: Oh, no way! Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!

Stewie: You need more than that, you need an act. Listen, I'll be your assistant, and we'll put on a whole big show.Brian: Really?Stewie: Yeah, we'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half.Brian: What?Stewie: Saw me in half.

Brian: Don't worry, I got it under control Lois. I'm monitoring Dylan from here on Stewie's baby monitor.
(conversation is heard over the monitor)
Stewie: Hey Dylan? Hey, come on in here for a sec.
Dylan: Stewie, why are you nude?
Stewie: Oh just a little something I do once a week around here called a "naked tea party." Got my teacup here, now all I need is a tea bag. That something that interests you my friend?
Dylan: You're weird.
Stewie: Yeah, and you're attractive. Now take your f***ing pants off!
Dylan: I'm outta here.
Stewie: Huh, did you see that Rupert? "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds" starring Stewie Griffin huh? Gee whiz.

Stewie: So, what happened sport? Come on, talk to your pal Stewie.
Brian: Alright, but only because I've gotta tell somebody. I pretty much just threw myself at Lois.
Stewie: So, you finally did it huh? Well look Brian, as your friend, I should tell you that that vagina is ground zero man. I mean I just wrecked that thing on the way out, and just to be a jerk, I carved "Brooks was here" in the wall. Did you see that? Did you see "Brooks was here."
Brian: We didn't have sex.
Stewie: Of course with Chris going before me I pretty much just walked outta there. Didn't even have to stoop over. There was even room to twirl a cane as I strolled.
Brian: You're exaggerating.
Stewie: Only a little bit! That's the messed up thing.

Displaying quotes 133 - 144 of 414 in total

Family Guy Quotes

North Dakota, we're not even the best Dakota!

Peter

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley