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Family-guy

Stewie: Well Brian, you've lost your bet. I, or rather my alter-ego Zack Sawyer, am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High.
Brian: Well, Stewie, you got the best of me on this one, congratulations. I guess you'll be hanging up your wig now?
Stewie: Oh no Brian, I'm enjoying myself too much. Do you know I have a date with Connie D'amico this Saturday night at Anal Point?
Brian: Ah, I've heard about that place.
Stewie: Really? What's it like? Because I have no idea.
Brian: Well, uh... I suppose if you imagine it like a parking space that you think "gosh, there's no way I'm gonna be able to fit in there." But then you fold in the side view mirrors, and sure enough, well, look at that.
Stewie: Well, in that scenario, it sounds like I'd rather be the parking space than the car.
Brian: Yeah, that's what I always guessed.

Stewie: (after watching One Tree Hill) God these high school students are lame. I'm a freaking baby, and I'm cooler than they are.
Brian: What the hell do you know about high school?
Stewie: Are you kidding? These kids today are so easy to manipulate. If you plopped me in the middle of a high school, I could be the most popular kid there in a week.
Brian: Really, would you care to place a wager on that?
Stewie: Absolutely, what are the stakes?
Brian: Okay, if I win, and you can't do it, you have to put your nose in Meg's hat and take an eight second inhale.
Stewie: Okay, it's a bet.
Brian: Great.
Stewie: Kiss on it?
Brian: What?

Stewie: Hey, Brian, knock knock!
Brian: Who's there?
Stewie: (whispering) Two friends, building a house together.

(about Meg's wedding dress) Look at her fat shoulders in those spaghetti straps. It's like bread baking around twine!

Stewie: Alright Brian, I'm gonna go up to the upper level and run this wire down through the wall. Grab your walkie, I'll call you when I get up there.
Brian: Okay.
(Stewie walks away, is heard over the walkie-talkie)
Stewie: Brian, pick up. Over.
Brian: What?
Stewie: Brian, please say "over" when you are finished talking. Over.
Brian: (sighs) What? Over.
Stewie: Do you see the wire yet? Over.
Brian: No.
Stewie: Nooooo what? Over.
Brian: No. Over.
Stewie: Okay, I'm gonna start feeding it through. Over.
Brian: Wait, If you haven't started feeding it, why'd ya ask me if I could see it?
Stewie: Didn't copy that. Over.
Brian: I said why did ya ask me if I could see it if you haven't started feeding it. Over.
Stewie: Oh that's better, I can hear you now. Over. Do you see it yet? Over.
Brian: You know, you're a jackass. For the record, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over.
Stewie: When this is what Brian? Over.
Brian: I said, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over.
Stewie: When this is what? You've got to finish your sentence. Over.
Brian: That's it, my sentence is over.
Stewie: Your sentence is what, Brian? Over.
Brian: My sentence is- wait a minute. I have to say over, even if the sentence ends with the word over?
Stewie: Ends with the word what, Brian? Over.
(the wire descends through the wall)
Brian: Oh, I see the wire.
Stewie: You see the wire what? Over.
Brian: Over! (yanks on the wire, pulling Stewie down with it)

(after they blow the house up)
Brian: Didn't we have an electrician in there today?
Stewie: He left. I'm pretty sure he left.
Brian: Isn't that his truck?
Stewie: Well, by God Brian, we're murderers. I guess this means you'll be going to doggy hell.
(Cuts to Hell. The Devil is scaring dogs with a vacuum cleaner)

Lois: Peter, have you seen Stewie's Speedy Gonzales video? He won't go to sleep without it.
Peter: I threw it away.
Stewie: What?! What the hell man I don't throw away your stuff. And where's my goat?
Lois: Peter, why would you do that?
Peter: Because Speedy Gonzales is an immigrant and a bad influence on our children!

Lois: Peter, why are you wearing that suit?
Stewie: Yes, you look like the statue of liberty's pimp.
(Stewie and Brian share a High-five)

Won't be long before the police notice Cleveland's disappearance. Black man gone missing, my God the media will be all over that.

Joe: (knocking on the door) Hey, everything okay in there? I heard shouting.
Stewie: Dog, answer it. Tell him "Yes, everything's fine."
Brian: (opens the door) Yes Joe, everything's fine.
Joe: Ah, okay, good.
Stewie: (hiding behind the door, telling Brian what to say) Make fun of his wheelchair.
Brian: What?
Joe: What?
Stewie: Do it! Say "ha ha ha ha ha ha, you're in a wheelchair."
Brian: (to Joe) Ha ha ha ha ha ha, you're in a wheelchair.
Joe: What's that supposed to mean?
Stewie: Say "I bet you can't get a boner."
Brian: (to Joe) I bet you can't get a boner.
Joe: That's not very nice, Brian.
Stewie: "Neither is your mother's ass."
Brian: (to Joe) Neither is your mother's ass.
Joe: Well, I'll give you that one.
Stewie: Now tell him you've always thought he was handsome.
Brian: (to Joe) I've always thought you were handsome.
Joe: Well, I gotta tell you Brian, I'm relieved to hear you say that. Please call me if you see any sign of Stewie.
Stewie: Tell him "ha ha ha ha ha ha, just kidding about the handsome thing.
Brian: Oh come on.
Stewie: Do it!
Brian: Come on, that meant a lot to him.
(Stewie cocks the gun)
Brian: (to Joe) Ha ha ha ha ha ha, just kidding about the handsome thing.
Joe: Ah, well that's, uh disappointing. I needed that boost today.

(The family returns home)
Brian: Boy, I sure hope they find him. Otherwise we're all gonna be-
(a gun cocks, camera cuts to Stewie)
Stewie: So, it's all out in the open now, isn't it?
Peter: Stewie, uh, how long have you been all messed up and evil like this?
Stewie: Oh, so now you're interested in Stewie? Last week when I made that macaroni picture of an owl, you didn't give a damn!
Peter: That was an owl?
Stewie: Yes, and now we're going to look at it again. (Hits Peter in the knees, and drags him over to the picture. Stewie begins yelling while holding a gun to Peter's head) Look, Look, do you like it?!
Peter: (scared) Yes.
Stewie: What do you like about it specifically?!
Peter: (scared) I don't know.
Stewie: Pick something or I'll blow your brains out!
Peter: (scared) I like... how it looks like an owl.
Stewie: Thank you for the compliment!

Stewie: What do you want your alias to be?
Brian: What are you talking about? I'm not gonna -
(Stewie holds gun to Brian's head)
Stewie(yelling): Pick a name for yourself!
Brian: Willem Dafoe.
Stewie: Ew, not that one. I used to have a Willem Dafoe living under my bed.
(cut to scene of Stewie in bed)
Willem Dafoe: Hey, you asleep yet?
Stewie: Uhh...no.
Willem Dafoe: Just checking.

Displaying quotes 145 - 156 of 411 in total

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley
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