What? Writing's the only thing giving your alcoholism any credibility!

Look at what they used to pack up boxes of your books! Shredded up pieces of your books!

Stewie: It's True Blood.
Brian: No one knows what that is.
Stewie: Rich, gay people do.

Stewie: How do you not know that your reflection in the patio door isn't another dog?
Brian: Hey, that guy is a dick.

If anyone's gonna take that bitch down, it's gonna be me.

Stewie: I think a lot of people were looking at me like I was really attractive which makes me think I'm going to grow up to be really good looking.
Brian: What part of that statement is supposed to lure me into a conversation?
Stewie: I talk to you about wet tennis balls!

I can't help feeling this would be sadder if she weren't heavy....

Darth Vader/Stewie: Luke.
Luke/Chris: Yeah?
Darth Vader/Stewie: Wait, Luke?
Luke/Chris: Yeah?
Darth Vader/Stewie: Luke Skywalker?
Luke/Chris: Yeah.
Darth Vader/Stewie: Oh my god, this is so silly. I was trying to call Luke Adams, his number is right next to yours in my helmet.

Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son! Y'know? I mean it doesn't have to be as father and son, it can be just as, a-y'know- as two really close guys who just happen to be men y'know, just, two good-lookin' guys sharin' a cramped office runnin' the galaxy together-y'know just, gettin' the job done y'know- maybe we, maybe we do it occasionally but its not weird y'know cause we're just, two guys with ragin' goals y'know? I mean its not even about the doin' it part- but thats a part of it- but its not- its not the whole thing.

Darth Vader/Stewie

Darth Vader/Stewie: Oh, come on, Luke, come join the Dark Side! It's really cool!
Luke/Chris: Well I don't know. Whose on it?
Darth Vader/Stewie: Well um... there's me, the Emperor. This guy Scott,. you'll meet him he's awesome...

It's gotta be a trainwreck down there. Just an absolute casserole of nonsense.

Brian: I don't like strawberry yogurt.
Stewie: Picky for someone who eats from a plastic bowl from the floor every day.

Family Guy Quotes

Young Michael Jackson: The kid in me likes the frosted side.
Adult Michael Jackson: But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me.

Peter: I'm making my own Red Bull! Lois can't stop me from experiencing the manic highs and lows my body demands.
Brian: Whoa, whoa you're adding kerosene? That's insane! That'll destroy your body, Peter!
Peter: Kerosene is fuel, Brian. Red Bull is fuel. Kerosene is Red Bull...
Brian: That drink will kill you, Peter.
Peter: Whatever kills me will make me stronger.