Meg, you look pretty next to [Charmese].

Stewie: You should know that Mom has emotionally let you go. It won't be long before she takes another.
Peter: Owww, my head!
Stewie: She already has two cell phones.

Brian: I just wish I could have had five years to be good.
Stewie: There's your voice, Brian. It's a depressing voice, but it's yours. Write from that.

Brian: Wow, this is amazing, every major playwright is here.
Stewie: Yes, and it seems to be quite the successful party. Several of them have already committed suicide.

Brian: Stewie, don't you think you're overdoing it with that outfit?
Stewie: I don't wear anything I can't take off with a flourish.

May every person that laughs at your sophmoric effort be a reminder of your eternal mediocrity and pierce your heart like a knife!

I knew my play was good, just like I knew your play was a mediocre patchwork of hackneyed ideas and tired cliches! You have no idea how hard it was to sit in that theater with those braying hyenas! Couldn't you tell something was up when Chris and the fat man could follow the plot?!

Lois: Remember kids, if it's terrible, at the end we all say "You did it!"
Stewie: I can't believe we're going to the theater the same day Chris drowned a mouse in a puddle. I mean, don't we need a day to clear our heads?

Brian: I think, I think we're launching!
Lois: Oh my god, everyone strap yourselves in! Stewie, hold my hand.
Stewie: No thanks, I prefer to die giving you the finger.
Peter: If this is what it takes to get out of Florida, fine.

Oh by the way, there's a baby in my preschool with HIV, and my teacher gave you something to sign to get him kicked out.

Meg: I can only imaging what it was like for them on that very first Christmas.
Brian: Yeah, it was probably very moving. And fictional.
Stewie: Jesus lived with us for like a week, what else do you need?

No matter how low I turn the volume, Aziz Ansari is always shouting at me. What did I do?

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

I forgot Yelp was a weapon for dumb people, you taught me something today Brian.

Stewie