Stewie: Boy this must be killing you. You're an atheist, and the one guy you don't believe in is getting to bang the woman of your dreams.
Brain: I don't have to take this! I'm out of here. Can you let me out?

Well the fat man is never going to get back in time, and with him gone that makes you the man of the house.

Relax, Im sure Wycelf Jean got it all under control.

Brian: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter: Playing Unga Bunga. It's the championship.
Stewie: Go away! This is why Zillow estimates our house at $4.

Oh, it's starting! I'm gonna live-tweet the show and ruin it for everyone in other time zones.

Nothing like a day at the park, surrounded by overcompensating divorced dads.

Stewie: How long have you been there?
Chris: Long enough to know that you have herpes and do weird stuff with your teddy bear.
Stewie: HE does weird stuff; I just don't stop him.

You've got herpes, too? This house is like backstage at a Whitesnake concert.

Oh my god, look at you! You're more herpes than dog!

Stewie: Are you blood brothers with Meg because you ate her tampon out of the trash?
Brian: No, that, that's something else.

You know you've made it when you've got a teenage boss.

Meg, could you zip up your fly? That's kind of wafting over here.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice little story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3 years? Huh? Gotta, gotta compelling protagonist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yea, talking about that 3 years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? No, no, you deserve some time off

Stewie