Better Off Ted

Better Off Ted Quotes (Page 4)

Season 2 Episode 8: "The Impertence of Communicationizing"

Veronica: So this is guilt, huh? In the past, I've always just counteracted this feeling with other emotions, like sugar or drunk.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Veronica: I was up against this man--Walter--who had the same last name as I do, although we pronounce it differently.
Linda: There's another way to pronounce "Palmer"?
Veronica: In his family, the "P" is silent. I think it's Dutch. It sounds like their stupid handiwork, with their cheese and their giant propeller buildings.
Linda: So Walter... "Almer"?
Veronica: I know. Those people are unbelievable.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: "Employees must now use offensive or insulting language in the workplace." This has to be a mistake. Why would the company want us to swear at each other?
Veronica: Well, maybe they're trying to make the people at work seem more like a real family, Butt-Munch. Yeah this is going to be good.
Linda: Like everything the company does to us, it's gotta be about money. Maybe when someone's called a "lazy sack of crap," they work harder so they can just be a "sack of crap."
Ted: Oh, this is gonna be a problem. People here follow memos. Especially since that memo came out saying people have to follow memos.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 2 Episode 7: "Change We Can't Believe In"

Veronica: Maybe my kindergarten teacher was right. Maybe I am too controlling.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Veronica: Here, you do it.
Phil: Me?
Veronica: No, the microphone-attaching elf who lives in my drawer.
Phil: Talking about drawer elves isn't going to make this any less scary.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Phil: You know what might brighten your day? A peek at the smallest squirrel science can make.
Lem: But we're going to have to ask you to wear a face mask. He's crazy easy to inhale.
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Lem: Together we're a thing of beauty, like a swan.
Phil: But on my own, I'll be like half a swan. All I'll do is make a big mess and die.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lem: So it's your turn in the saddle, cowboy. get on that horse and... I don't know any more cowboy things. Wait. Beans.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Linda: So did you hear the latest office gossip? Ryan the security guard quit his job because you're a giant douche-mobile. That's right, you're a douche on wheels. Or perhaps a decorative sculpture hanging above a baby douche's crib. The gossip didn't specify.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ryan: You think I talk too much?
Ted: Well, I don't know about generally, but to me, oh, my God, yes.
 • Rating: Unrated

Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Friendship. It's so important. But it's different at work. Time spent with friends at work robs your employer of opportunity. And robbing people is wrong. Veridian Dynamics. Friendship. It's the same as stealing.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Veronica: Sorry. From now on when you present ideas to me, only one of you is allowed to talk.
Lem: But that's not how we work.
Veronica: Exactly. That's now how we work.
Lem: Not.
Veronica: Now.
Lem: Not.
Veronica: Now. Now, now, now, now, now, now, now.
Lem: Not?
Veronica: Now, now, now, now, now, now, now.
Phil: We should go.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Phil: I suppose we could use the 20 terahertz oscillator.
Lem: But doesn't that burn through flesh?
Phil: Not always.
Lem: How about we use the 10 terahertz oscillator?
Phil: Ten? Yeah, why don't we just hop on a winged unicorn and fly off to magic land?
 • Rating: Unrated

Veronica: The company finally realized the P.A. system in this building needs to be fixed. It makes everything sound like that janitor that got trapped inside the wall. "Let me out. I'm not a ghost!" We do have a lot of fun here.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: I don't want to insult the guy. If only there were a nice way to say, "You're killing me, you energy-sucking time gobbler."
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: Every time I walk by the guy, he sucks me into a 15-minute conversation. You do that eight times a day, that adds up to... well, time I could be working on my math skills.
 • Rating: Unrated

Phil: Okay, the bacteria are going for the bait. Insert the nano-grenade.
Lem: Did it explode?
Phil: Oh, my God. There's flagella everywhere. What have we done?
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 2 Episode 6: "Beating a Dead Workforce"

Veronica: Now let's go upstairs and get back to work, for tonight, we dine in Hell!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: So the company backed down on the new hours?
Veronica: Mm-hmm.
Ted: I/we did it, because I/we stood up for what was right. I/we am proud of me/us.
Veronica: I/me, too, Ted. Together, we're like Gandhi. I'm skinny, and you're tan.
 • Rating: Unrated

Perry: But Jenkins was still a great man, right? I mean, you were with him when he helped that killer whale find its way home.
Phil: I had not heard that one. Was that an embellishment of the time I helped that large woman with the hole in the top of her head find her way back to her apartment?
Lem: Actually, I stole that story from Free Willy.
Phil: Oh.
 • Rating: Unrated

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