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Linda: Hey, sweetie, want to go smoke a cigarette in the bathroom? See? I can be bad. Don't ever smoke, Rose. Every time you smoke a cigarette, Santa Claus kills an elf. What, helping or hurting? Because I can throw Jesus into the mix.
Ted: I think we're good.

I can't stand that Veronica makes fun of me in meetings. If the boss doesn't respect me, other people won't. Including the little Linda in my head. And even on a good day, that little bitch won't shut up.

Linda

And, Phil, they canceled your gym membership because no matter what class you were in, you did jazzercise.

Lem: Ted, we need your help.
Phil: We were working really hard in the lab...
Lem: And we had this pinata...
Ted: Pinata? That doesn't sound like really hard work.
Phil: It was stuffed with science.

Linda: Can't we develop one product that doesn't end up being used to kill people? Even our fat-free cinnamon roll led to that new sticky bomb.
Veronica: You're so moral and perfect all the time. Do singing birds and mice dress you and brush your hair in the morning?
Linda: No. Although my dad does call me "Princess." And there is a grumpy dwarf in my building.

Lem: The mat and the vest are both magnetized. When a child puts on the vest and steps on the mat, the magnets repel each other, making the child almost weightless, like an astronaut bouncing on the moon.
Phil: Now every child can have hours of repulsive fun.
Ted: Pete Gilroy's team is working on a similar system, and the company's only going to go for one. So, we need to make damned sure that it is... "The Floater." Yeah, that's not such a good name.
Lem: What about "The Astro-Nut?" You know, because it's crazy. (waves hands)
Veronica: Has waving your hands ever sold me on anything? (waves hands) Remember "Corpse-Eating Battlefield Robot?"

Pete: Hey, Ted. Strengthening your hand for that big date with yourself?
Ted: Nope, just practicing for later when I squeeze your mom's boobs. I'm not proud of that. I actually had a lovely conversation with Pete's mom at the Christmas party.

Ted on his back straining with effort? There's a mental picture I can call back later.

Patricia

Janet: Well, if we call it a groundswell, I think the company would go for it. That way it gets to pat itself on the back for listening and being a great communicationer.
Ted: You mean "communicator."
Janet: That's not what it says in the handbook.

Phil: Your eyes look like two beady rabbit pellets on the face of a monkey-licking pus-bomb.
Lem: You've just been Phil-abusted.
Phil: Nice!
Lem: That's it--fill up your canker-blossomed hole, you ale-soused apple-john. That was the Elizabethan model.
Phil: Ye have been served.

Ted: Now I've got to go find Phil and Lem and straighten out the MRE disaster.
Veronica: Don't boo-hoo me. Did that MRE touch your boobies, Ted? Then shut the hell up.

Veronica: In fact, we need to talk about us. And the future of our babies and how they'll be committed.
Walter: Wow, that's a lot to take in. Okay.
Veronica: I need this relationship to have a future because I need babies. That's right--big, screaming babies shooting out of my uterus, just stacking up like cordwood.
Walter: Really?
Veronica: Yes, sir. That's all I ever think about--the future, babies, and commitment. Future, babies, commitment. Future, babies, commitment. Commitment, commitment, commitment, commitment.

Displaying quotes 37 - 48 of 357 in total

Better Off Ted Quotes

Veronica: I do hate this feeling. I hate it like I hate...
Linda: Don't tell me. The Dutch.
Veronica: I don't hate the Dutch. I love the Dutch. That's why I hold them to a higher standard.

Okay, people, we need to turn this simple festive gourd into a killer. I've asked Dr. Bamba to take a look at how Nature does it, because Nature is a fantastic killer of things

Ted