Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy

If God wanted me to not sleep with my wife, he'd make me John Travolta!

Peter

Marital concerns continue to bedevil me.

Peter

Who's handling their Charlie St. Cloud DVD all the time?

Stewie

Brian: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter: I'm not goin' to family night - my agreeing with Lois was just pure theater. Come on, we're jumpin' off the roof.
Brian: Are you insane? We'll kill ourselves!
Peter: Don't worry, we can fly! I got this pixie dust from a magic fairy - either that or it's speed I got from a transvestite at a diner. [noise of loud sniffing] Agh! It's the speed! It's the speed from the diner!
Brian: Peter, let go of me! Aggh—! [he and Peter belly flop to front porch] Dammit!

Peter: I put our family on the map tonight. No longer will we be just those faceless nobodys who brought the bird flu to Quahog.
Lois: You know, there's something seriously wrong with the man who always puts his friends over his family.
Brian: Come on, Lois, I think you're overreacting. What's so wrong about a guy hanging out with his buddies?
Lois: Buddies? You're one of his buddies?
Brian: Yeah, and you know why? 'Cause I don't try to tell what he can and can't do.
Lois: Oh, please, Brian. You're just two people living in the same house. If you didn't, you'd never hang out with each other in a million years. He owns you. You're his property.

Lois: How could you do this? You have a family!
Peter: For once, could you visit me in jail and not criticize me?

Lois: So, Billy. I hope the couch was alright.
Billy: Yeah. A lot better than the floor. And I should know because I went down on the floor, thinking it was gonna be a lot better than the couch.

Anyway, I'm off to read Meg's diary. I've only been here one night, but I get the sense we all dislike Meg.

Billy

Peter: I gotta take a bath. [Billy is watching him]
Billy: Go on then. We're both men.
Peter: Well.... alright I guess.
Billy: There you go... [Peter gets naked and Billy starts laughing] ...look at that? What is th... WOAH Solar eclipse blocking the sun, do not look directly at it. [laughs again]
Peter: What... what, what, what the hell... what are you doing?
Billy: I'm just making a comment... ummm... need to know something. Do you hear the word "Morbidly" a lot?

Billy: Don't take this the wrong way, but have you actually got a penis?
Peter: Yes.
Billy: Where... where is it?
Peter: It's in there.
Billy: Are you sure, so it's like all snuffled up in there is it?
Peter: Oh, the hell with this... Lois, get the ruler. We're measuring again, and this time, I decide where the base is.

Lindsey [dressed as Lois]" Thanks for buying me these clothes, Glenn.
Quagmire: You're welcome. [to Mort, also dressed as Lois] And you're dismissed.
Mort: Do I still get to keep the twenty?

Stewie: Are they not seein' this?
Brian: I know, it's kinda creepy. It's almost like he's dating Lois.
Stewie: Yeah - looks like somebody's getting a little Oedipussy.
Brian: Can we say that?
Stewie: Just did.

Displaying quotes 37 - 48 of 105 in total
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