Family Guy

Family Guy Season 8 Quotes (Page 6)

Season 8 Episode 7: "Jerome is the New Black"

Jerome: I got time for whatever I want, fool. My watch dont't tell time, I tell it.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: I know you're interested in being the fourth guy in our entourage, Kevin Connolly, but aren't you a little small?
Quagmire: I'll tell you what you can be in our group if I can have some of your cereal.
Kevin Connolly: Oh no, they're after me Kevin Connoly charms.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 8 Episode 6: "Quagmire's Baby"

rian: I, uh, don't suppose you'd consider making one of those for me, would ya?
Stewie: [Sly laugh] Maybe! What would you be willing to do for me?
Brian: Whatdya want?
Stewie: Take your index finger and your thumb, and lightly grip the base of your tail.
Brian: What?
Stewie: Lightly grip the base of your tail with your index finger and your thumb, and then slide your fingers up the length of your tail to the tip.
Brian: Why?
Stewie: Because that's what I asked you to do.
Brian: That's kinda weird. Is this some kinda sexual thing?
Stewie: Nobody said anything about sexual- there's nothing sexual about it. I'm just asking you to perform a simple task. [Slyly] Take your index finger and your thumb, and lightly grip the base of your tail, and run your fingers along the length of your tail.
Brian: You mean stroke it?
Stewie: [Defensively] Nobody used that word. This is not a stroking motion- this is a completely non-sexual thing I am asking you to do, in a completely non-sexual way. [Slyly] Squeeze the base of the tail lightly with your thumb and index finger, and then, while continuing to squeeze, run them up the length of your tail to the tip, and I'll make you a clone.
Brian: I only have to do it once?
Stewie: I'll tell you when to stop.
[Brian reaches for the back of the tail and slowly rubs along the length of the tail with his thumb and index finger, and then back again, then stops]
Stewie: [Laughs] I don't know why ya stoppin' nobody told you to stop!
[Brian resumes the rubbing his tail]
Stewie: Gimme a little smile.
[Brian flashes a fake smile while continuing to rub his tail]
Stewie: You're lips look a little dry, why don't you wet 'em a little bit?
[Brian, continuing to smile and rub his tail, then starts licking the outside of his lips]
Stewie: [Guffaws] Oh my God, you're so weird! Alright I'll make you a clone buddy
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Joe: We shouldn't let this ruin our night, let's just enjoy the strippers.
Peter: I guess, I just hate how much that one gets into her work.
Stripper: You boys have been very naughty. I'm gonna have to assign you extra homework.
Peter: Fractions are so hard, what'd you get for number four?
Joe: She says don't share answers!
 • Rating: 3.5 / 5.0

Brian [about puddle of clone]: I'm not proud of this, but i'm gonna have to lick that up.
 • Rating: 4.9 / 5.0

Quagmire: How long you been in beauty school?
Candy: Two months.
Quagmire: Well tonight, we're doing facials!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Quagmire [reading note]: Glen, this is your child, next time wear a condom jerk. Oh my god!
Peter: Wait, hang on, there's no guarantee it's your baby.
Baby: Gigitty.
Quagmire: Ooh, I say that.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Stewie: It's healthier than what they ate in the fifties...
Customer: Steak and doughnut sandwich please.
Waiter: You want cigarettes on that sandwich?
Customer: What do I look like a Mary? Of course I want cigarettes.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Stewie: Hey will you take me down to Baby Gap? I want to dress like a small douche.
 • Rating: 4.8 / 5.0

Season 8 Episode 5: "Hannah Banana"

Monkey: Ms Cyrus, I ask you to stop what you're doing. I don't just mean this. I mean the show, the music, the movie, it's all just awful
 • Rating: Unrated

Brian [about robot Miley Cyrus]: You think she does other things like a real girl, if you reprogram her?
Stewie: Brian's that sick. She's 16
Brian: I'm 8
Stewie: You're right, I'll see what I can do
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Lois, could you tell Chris that I'm sorry that I ever planted the seed version of him in your vagina?
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Chris: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. Thanks evil mon.... thanks monkey
Monkey: I'd get up to hug you but sitting down is the only thing keeping the poop in
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Brian: This is my friend Stewie. He's just a baby and he's your biggest fan. And he has cancer
Miley Cyrus: Oh my god, really?
Brian: Yeah he has a tumor in his head the size of a football
Miley Cyrus: Yeah I think I can see it
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 8 Episode 4: "Brian's Got a Brand New Bag"

Brian: You are really pretty
Girl at Bar: Thanks
Brian: You know, uh, I wrote a book
Girl at Bar: What's that?
Brian: It's like a long magazine
Girl at Bar: Huh?
Brian: It's like the Internet made out of a tree
Girl at Bar: Oh, weird. You want to have sex in the bathroom?
Brian: Oh gosh, what a treat, yes I would like that
 • Rating: 4.9 / 5.0

Lois: My God I can't even react big enough. Here's Mrs. Garret
Mrs. Garret: Whaaat!?
Brian: If my happiness means so little to you that you have Charlotte Rae just standing by to crack a joke then you disappoint me
 • Rating: Unrated

Brian [about Rita]: Well you met her, what did you think?
Lois: What do I think? She's a 100! Peter, did you see her?
Peter: I'm looking at her now. I can see her from the window up here. Did anyone make a Jessica Tandy joke yet?
Lois: No!
Peter: Awesome! I'll be right down
Chris [to Brian]: Who are you dating, Jessica Tandy?
Peter: Sonuvabitch! Damnit Chris, I called that from upstairs
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Peter: Hey aren't you that chick from the bathroom door?
Brian: Come on Peter, she doesn't want to talk about work
Peter: What's it like in there?
Bathroom Woman Logo: I assume it's how it's like in the men's room
Peter: Oh there's a long trough with a big poo in it?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Rita: Is that your condom?
Brian: No, I mean I wasn't gonna use that on your daughter. I would not use a condom on your daughter. I mean I would if i was having sex with her, which I obviously would not do. I'm safe and all. I get AIDS test every three months. It's not because I have a lot of sex. I eat a lot of poo off the streets

 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: Oh my god, Road House. I want to buy this
Clerk: Great and as a bonus I'll throw in What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams.
Peter: No thank you.
Clerk: No charge.
Peter: I do not want it.
Clerk: But it's free, sir.
Peter: If that DVD even touches Road House, I will kill you.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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