Brian: Stewie, what the hell happened?
Stewie: Oh well, shortly after you left, da Vinci's girlfriend showed up. So I injected her with my DNA.
Brian: You had sex?
Stewie: No, I put my DNA inside of her.
Brian: Right, you had sex.
Stewie: No, what are you not getting? I put a sample of my DNa in a syringe and I injected her on the staircase, on the couch, and on the balcony.

Brian: Stewie! Stewie! Are you ok?
Stewie: (falsetto) You gotta kiss him to wake him up.
Brian: I'm not going to kiss you!
Stewie: Stewie can't hear you. He's not awake. Only a kiss will wake him up!
Brian: Well, I better get Meg.
Stewie: Oh, oh where am I?

Brian: Oh my god!
Priest: Ahem, a tip is customary.

Bertram: You're about to be yesterday's hopscotch chalk on the sidewalk Stewie! (Pause) Erased!
Stewie: Yea, yea, I got the metaphor.

Bertram: Stewie!
Stewie: That's my name. Don't wear it out!
Leonardo da Vinci: Ahahahahaha!
Stewie: See, that's brand new to him.

Brian: So that means you're Italian.
Stewie: Of course! My love for spaghetti-o's and smoking on the toilet! It all makes sense!
Brian: Ew.

Stewie: Well, I'm off to the farmer's market. I've got to pick up some plutonium for a return pad, in case I decide to make another universe later.
Brian: Plutonium? At the farmer's market?
Stewie: Yep, I'm only using organic plutonium now. Think locally; buy organically.
Stewie: Hey slut, get me out of this.

Huh, that's weird. Black guys usually don't promote themselves.

Stewie

Good luck. I hope you like weird boobs.

Carter Pewterschmidt

Oh yea? Well nobody believed that we would make it but I drink and you use sex as a weapon. That seems to me like a successful New England marriage.

Peter

See? We're already making each other better people!

Mayor West; That was a great idea you had about walking parallel to the water. It makes for a longer walk. Carol

Carol: Helloo!
Mayor West: Well dot dot dot hello!

Family Guy Season 9 Quotes

Peter: I'm making my own Red Bull! Lois can't stop me from experiencing the manic highs and lows my body demands.
Brian: Whoa, whoa you're adding kerosene? That's insane! That'll destroy your body, Peter!
Peter: Kerosene is fuel, Brian. Red Bull is fuel. Kerosene is Red Bull...
Brian: That drink will kill you, Peter.
Peter: Whatever kills me will make me stronger.

Ooh! Mr. Sulu show! (singing) Mr. Sulu the star of the show...other guys just along for the ride...

Mr. Washee-Washee