Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
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Hey what do you guys do after the screen goes black?

Doctor Hartman

I guess we learned that no matter who you are or where you come from, life is a terrible thing.


Lois: Oh my god! I think Chris is having a heart attack!
Peter: We're not supposed to leave the table!

Lois: Chris, have you been drinking?
Chris: Yes, have you been aging?

Well high school is like Lord of the Flies. It's like a social experiment. And I hear Canadian high schools are even worse!


No, no, Peter, you're still you; you're just a teenager, you're not switching genders.


Damn right I do! It's because I make all the money! I'm the big..."Mamu" around here!


It's like putting your penis to sleep in a feather bed.


Meg: Chris, look at what you did!
Chris: You mean look at what two black teenagers did when they stole Dad's bike...

Chris: Hey Meg! I'm going to jump that fire hydrant!
Meg: Chris don't! You're going to wreck Dad's bike!
Chris: Too late! I already narrowed my eyes!

I need these voiceover checks to support my gambling addiction.


Meg: We haven't made love in two weeks!
Joe: We haven't made love ever!

Displaying quotes 49 - 60 of 149 in total

Family Guy Season 9 Quotes

Brian: So that means you're Italian.
Stewie: Of course! My love for spaghetti-o's and smoking on the toilet! It all makes sense!
Brian: Ew.

Carl: So in the bear world, are pandas like your version of interracial children?
Bear: Yeah Pandas are something I don't agree with.
Carl: They're cute though right?
Bear: Just when they're babies.