Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How-i-met-your-mother

The universe in all its infinite wisdom is telling you to stick me and stick me real good.

Lily

Marshall Eriksen, put a baby in my belly.

Lily

Royce: I think you owe us an apology.
Ted: No-can-do-ski, baby doll. No-can-do-ski.

Robin: Why don't you say something to him?
Lily: He's from Minnesota. His high school mascot was a hug.

Ah, the ol' ball and chain. Can't wait to make her move out of her beautiful house in New Jersey and make her move into my crappy apartment above a bar!

Jed

Move over Adolf Hitler, there's a new king of comedy!

Ted

I'm Jed Mosly and I am the most powerful, corrupt architect!! [falls out of chair]

Jed

The best baggage is "hates her dad, thinks she's fat when she isn't." Angry sexy on the first date, and by the time you mention breakfast, she's gone! Why do you guys even hang out with me?

Barney

Barney: Ted, please tell me you're not impugning emotional baggage.
Ted: Baggage is good?
Barney: Emotional baggage is the bedrock of America's most important cultural export.
Robin: Porn?
Barney: Actually, it's porn.

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