Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS

The universe in all its infinite wisdom is telling you to stick me and stick me real good.


Marshall Eriksen, put a baby in my belly.


Royce: I think you owe us an apology.
Ted: No-can-do-ski, baby doll. No-can-do-ski.

Robin: Why don't you say something to him?
Lily: He's from Minnesota. His high school mascot was a hug.

Ah, the ol' ball and chain. Can't wait to make her move out of her beautiful house in New Jersey and make her move into my crappy apartment above a bar!


Move over Adolf Hitler, there's a new king of comedy!


I'm Jed Mosly and I am the most powerful, corrupt architect!! [falls out of chair]


The best baggage is "hates her dad, thinks she's fat when she isn't." Angry sexy on the first date, and by the time you mention breakfast, she's gone! Why do you guys even hang out with me?


Barney: Ted, please tell me you're not impugning emotional baggage.
Ted: Baggage is good?
Barney: Emotional baggage is the bedrock of America's most important cultural export.
Robin: Porn?
Barney: Actually, it's porn.

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