Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How-i-met-your-mother

So, funny thing about Willem Dafoe. His name sounds like it's being spoken by a frog, then a parrot. Willem. DA-FOE! Willem. DA-FOE!

Marshall

Barney: Ted, you are out of the gang FOREVER!
Ted: I'll see you guys tomorrow?

Marshall: Aww ... Lilllly ... babieeeeees!
Barney: I hope Ted is miserable right now.

You leave me no choice. If you have a daughter, the MINUTE she turns 18 ... GONNNNNNNNNG!

Barney

Barney: Rule #83. If anything coming out of that child's mouth lands on me, I get to touch Lily's boobs.
Marshall: Dude, what is it with you and my wife's boobs tonight?

[thinking while reading poetry] I sound kind of douchey. I can't stop myself!

Ted

[to Ted] Marisa Heller ... she sounds hot. Describe. Face, hair, boobs? Start with boobs.

Barney

Barney: Hey, Marisa Heller! Barney Stinson. Do you remember me? We met at a convention for bird owners.
Marisa: That's not possible.
Barney: Wicker lovers.
Marisa: No.
Barney: Stinson out!

Barney: I've got five tickets to Robots vs. Wrestlers!
Ted: That is awesome!
Barney: You've heard of Robots vs. Wrestlers?
Marshall: Not at all!
Ted: But we're assuming it's some sort of sporting event putting robots ... against wrestlers!
Barney: That's exactly what it is!

I bad for any woman with the kind of low self-esteem that would actually date a guy like that.

Don

[drunk, on phone] Hey Robin, it's Teddy Bear. Need a little honey? Rawwwr.

Ted

[drunk, on phone] Hey Robin, it's Barn Door. Guess what, I'm open!

Barney
Displaying quotes 37 - 48 of 267 in total

How I Met Your Mother Season 5 Quotes

Barney: Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers, lock up your daughters. Daughters, lock up your MILSWANCA's.
Marshall: MILSWANCA's?
Ted: Oh wait, I can get this. Mothers I'd Like to Sleep With and Never Call Again
Barney: Correct, circle gets a square

My panties would hit the floor so hard they'd end up halfway to China.

Robin
×