South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralPopular South Park Quotes
Stan: I don't understand that stuff at all, I need Morgan Freeman to explain it to me.
Jimmy: Yeah, I love when Morgan Freeman explains stuff.
Clyde: Whenever I'm confused about what's going on in a movie, I'm always so relieved when Morgan Freeman shows up and explains the plot to me.
Wow, the president eats at Red Lobster! He's just a normal guy like me!
South Park Resident
Stan: Just one thing, Morgan Freeman: how come every time something convoluted needs explaining, you show up?
Morgan Freeman: Because every time I show up and explain something, I earn a freckle.
Cartman: So here's the deal, General Tso, Mr. President: when the Chinese make the sequels, I get to play the part of Luke Skywalker's son. Cartman Skywalker.
General Tso: That was not the deal! We will not be bullied by you!
Cartman: Then I guess we're about to play a game of chicken, General Tso!
Jimmy: I get it, "General Tso's Chicken!"
Cartman: I can get the ballots for you. But if I'm going to smuggle them here, I'm going to need a blast suit and a tauntaun.
Mickey Mouse: Sure thing, I've got tauntauns coming out my asshole! Ha-ha!
Not sure what to get your loved one this holiday season? Why not give them a nice Hummer? Nothing beats a Hummer on Christmas morning!
Hummer Dealer
So we have to ask ourselves, what's more important? That the right man is elected president, or that Star Wars is with people who will protect it most?
Morgan Freeman
Randy: Stan. Stan! How do you tame a horse in Minecraft?
[naked and at Stan's door after finding out a parental lock has been put on the TV]
Stan: What?
[barely awake in bed]
Randy: What is Minecraft and how do you tame a horse in it?
Stan: You guys don't need to be watching that stuff.
Randy: Oh! Come on! You can't block your parents from watching informative murder porn! What? Ya-you think if we watch shows about married people killing each other all the time we're gonna go out and do it? That's stupid! I'm not going to go out and kill your mom just because I watch Investigative Discovery, Stan. I'd be impossible to clear away all the DNA evidence anyway! Even if I hired someone else to kill her, I'd have to kill that person, too, because 96% of the time that person eventually tells the truth! I thought this through a lot!
Get Cable company front desk man: [typing] We just need to find a window of time you'll be home... how about between the hours of six AM and three PM all of November?
Randy: No I can't wait around my house from six AM and three PM all of November!
Get Cable company front desk man: [starts rubbing his nipples again] Ooohhh, you can't? Geez, that's too bad, you need to be home for the technician. Have you thought about switching to DirecTV?
Randy: I can't afford DirecTV.
Get Cable company front desk man: Ooohhh, you can't? Geez, that's terrible, then I guess you'll just have to work within our time windows.
Canadian Healthcare Administrator: It was a mistake.
His wife: What?
Canadian Healthcare Administrator: Trying to reform Canada's healthcare system and being too stubborn to admit it wasn't working. Even when my wife said the system was too complicated, I wouldn't listen.
His wife: Oh, Terry, I was just trying to get your attention. I'm sorry I queefed in your face.
Canadian Healthcare Administrator: I deserved it. Anyone who thinks streamlining healthcare into an integrated computer system would go smoothly deserves a giant queef in their face.
Winter's coming, Sharon, and I'm a busy little bee. Buzz! Buzz!
Randy Marsh
Butters Stotch: Wizard Cartman, I started watching Game of Thrones.
Eric Cartman: Ah, yes, paladin Butters. Are you enjoying it?
Butters Stotch: Well, it's pretty good, I guess, but have you ever noticed that almost ever time they show a guy's weiner, that guy's character is gay?
Eric Cartman: What do you mean?
Butters Stotch: Well, it's just that they have a lot of girls' boobs and vaginas and stuff, but most times they show a guy's weiner it's because that guy is in love scenes with another guy. You think it's because gay weiners are less threatening to women viewers?
Eric Cartman: I believe you might be missing the greater point of the show, paladin Butters.
Butters Stotch: Yeah, I know - winter is going and there's dragons and zombies on the way; I'm pretty excited for that. Just could do with a little less gay weiner is all.
