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South-park

(Hell, waiting area. Many souls are there, wondering where they are, and why.)
Hell Director: Hello, newcomers, and welcome. Can everybody hear me? (taps the mic a few times) Hello? Can everybuh-? Okay. (the crowd quiets down) Uh, I'm the hell director. Uh, it looks like we have about 8,615 of you newbies today, and for those of you who are a little confused, uh, you are dead, and this is hell, so, abandon all hope and uh yada yada yada. Uh, we are now going to start the orientation process, which will last about-
Man 4: Hey, wait a minute, I shouldn't be here. I was a totally strict and devout Protestant! I thought we went to heaven!
Hell Director: Yes, well I'm afraid you were wrong.
Soldier: I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.
Hell Director: Uh, you picked the wrong religion as well.
Man 5: Well, who was right? Who gets into heaven?
Hell Director: I'm afraid it was the Mormons. Yes, the Mormons were the correct answer.
Crowd: (disappointed) Awww.

Kenny said that in hell, people speak Spanish and the water there gives you diarrhea.

Cartman

Satan you were kicked out of heaven for being a strong rebel, and now your a whiney little bitch.

God

Friends, I have to tell you that last night, I received a phone call from beyond the grave! It was our departed friend Kenny...calling from the depths of hell. And he described what hell is like in horrid detail. He said that in hell, the smell is awful...he said that in hell, everyone speaks Spanish. (crowd gasps) He said that there is water in hell, but if you drink it, you pee blood out your ass for seven hours! And perhaps worst of all, in hell there are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores; but they all have the same little trinkets in them!

Cartman

Kyle: You are so going to hell Cartman!
Cartman: (rolling in money) Suck my balls!

(Inside the confessional, Cartman goes through his extensive list of sins. Priest Maxi on the other side of the box)
Cartman: and that was about everything from first grade. Then last year, well, you can't tell anybody about this stuff, right?
Priest Maxi: Your (clears his throat) con- confession does not leave this box.
Cartman: Okay, because, last year, I took a sandwich that the priest of this church had been eating.
Priest Maxi: Oh. Well, uh, arr-I'm sure he would forgive you if he knew.
Cartman: No, but I'm not finished yet. I took the sandwich that the priest was eating, took the piece of ham out of it, put it between my butt cheeks, and then put the sandwich back and watched him eat it.
(Cartman looks up for a response, but nothing happens)
Priest Maxi: (after a pause) I see.
Cartman: Yeah, and then this other time, I peed in the holy water thing, and the priest blessed himself on the forehead with it every day for about a week. (the priest grows more concerned and his jaw drops) And then this one time, I was at the park, and the priest was out walking his dog and I went number two on the sidewalk and then told officer Barbrady that it was the priest's dog. (Priest Maxi's worry has turned to anger he's trying to contain) And so the priest got fined like a hundred dollars for not cleaning it up. And then this one time, I put super glue all over the priest's bottle of- (an arm tears through the partition and grabs Cartman by the throat) -eh- Ow! (throttles him back and forth) D'ow! Jesus! Ooww-ah! Ow! (the priest pulls him up into the partition a few times) Eh! Oh! Help. (The confession box rocks back and forth) Oh! Somebody help! God Dammit! Let me out of here!

Sister Anne: Now, let me explain how Communion works. The priest will give you this round cracker, and he will say, "The Body of Christ," and then you eat it.
Cartman: Jesus was made of crackers?
Sister Anne: No.
Stan: But crackers are his body.
Sister Anne: Yes.
Kenny: What?!
Sister Anne: In the Book of Mark, Jesus distributed bread and said, "eat this, for it is my body."
Cartman: So we won't go to hell as long as we eat crackers.
Sister Anne: Nononono!
Butters: Uh-well, uh-what are we eatin' then?
Sister Anne: The Body of Christ!
Stan: Nonono, I get it. Jesus wanted us to eat him, but he didn't want us to be cannibals, so he turned himself into crackers, and then told people to eat him.
Sister Anne: No!
Stan: No??
Butters: Huh-I can't whistle if I eat too many crackers.
Sister Anne: Look: all you have to know is that when the priest gives you the cracker, you eat it! Okay?!
Kenny, Stan, Cartman: O-kay.

They crucified Our Lord and Savior. If you don't go to hell for crucifying Our Savior, then what the hell DO you go to hell for?

</i> Priest Maxi

Chris: Oh, hi, you must be Saddam.
Saddam: And you must be Dickhead, just kidding. You're Chris, right?
Chris: Come on in.
Saddam: I brought you a potato.
Chris: Oh... thanks.
Satan: (runs into the room and grabs it) No Chris, it`s a bomb!! (chucks it into the lava)

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