The Simpsons

The Simpsons Season 2 Quotes (Page 14)

Season 2 Episode 6: "Dead Putting Society"

Homer: What does everyone say to some miniature golf, followed by a round of frosty chocolate milkshakes!
Bart: All right!
Marge: Mmm, I was going to wash my hair.
Lisa: And I'm studying for the math fair. If I win, I'll bring home a brand-new protractor.
Homer: Too bad we don't live on a farm.
 • Rating: Unrated

Lisa: Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself, I'm not sure how they're supposed to sound, but here goes. I believe in you.
 • Rating: Unrated

Marge: Homer, I couldn't help overhearing you warp Bart's mind.
Homer: And?
Marge: I'm worried that you're making to big a deal of this silly little kiddie golf tournament.
Homer: But, Marge, this is our big chance to show up the Flandereses.
Marge: I'm sure it is, but why do we want to do that?
Homer: Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Lisa tries to teach Bart a method to clear his mind of distraction.)
Lisa: Bart, I have a riddle for you. What's the sound of one hand clapping?
Bart: Piece of cake.
(Bart opens and closes his right fist quickly, making a sound.)
Lisa: No, Bart. It's a 3000-year-old riddle with no answer. It's supposed to clear your mind of conscious thought.
Bart: No answer? Lisa, listen up.
(Bart quickly opens and closes his fist again.)
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(Lisa preps Bart before the golf tournament)
Lisa: Eighth hole.
Bart: Aim for the octopus' third tentacle.
Lisa: Twelfth hole.
Bart: Bank it off the pink tombstone.
Lisa: Nirvana.
Bart: State of bliss attained through the extinction of the self.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Announcer on P.A. system in British accent)
Announcer: Good afternoon, everybody, and welcome to the finale of what has already been a stirring afternoon of miniature golf. The cream has risen, the wheat has bid farewell to the chaff, and now we approach the championship match with but two warriors remaining: the heretofore unknown Bart Simpson and Todd Flanders: one of the most skilled ten-year-olds to ever take back the blade.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Announcer in British accent, commenting on the last hole between Bart and Todd)
Announcer: If one were to look up "courage" in the Oxford English Dictionary, one might very well come upon the photo of these two gladiators. They approach the final hole in the shadow of the great emancipator, deadlocked at eight strokes on the happy side of par. Soon, one man will emerge triumphant. He will drink naught but champagne, while his opponent tastes bitter defeat in this oft cruel game.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Ned's letter to the Simpson's)
Ned: Dear Neighbor, you are my brother. I love you, and yet I feel a great sadness in my bosom.

Neighbor's forever,
Ned Flanders
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 2 Episode 5: "Dancin' Homer"

(Homer meets the Capital City Goofball for the first time.)
Homer: (Gasps) Oh, my God! I don't believe it! It's really you! The Capital City Goofball!
Capital City Goofball: Hello, Dancin' Homer. Glad to have you aboard. If there's anything I can do for you, just squeeze the wheeze.
(The Capital City Goofball honks as he squeezes his large nose.)
 • Rating: Unrated

(Mr. Burns greets the Simpson family on Nuclear Power Plant Family Night at Springfield Stadium.)
Smithers: (Whispering) It's the Simpsons, sir
Mr. Burns: Ah, well, if it isn't the Simps!
Homer: Uh, it-it's Simpsons, sir.
Mr. Burns: Huh?
(Smithers hands Mr. Burns an index card with the Simpson family information.)
Mr. Burns: Oh, uh, oh, yes. Homer and Marge Simpson. Oh, and these must be Bart, Lisa, and, uh, "Expecting."
Smithers: Uh, the card needs to be updated, sir.
(Mr. Burns stammers in frustration)
Homer: Well, uh, that's okay. Th-the baby's name isn't important. Let's go, Marge.
 • Rating: Unrated

(At Moe's, the guys try to get Homer to tell his story about moving to Capital City.)
Barney: So, Homer, what happened in Capital City?
Homer: Oh, Barney.
Moe: Come on, Homer. We're dyin' of curiosity.
Homer: Look, there's only one thing worse than being a loser. It's being one of those guys who sits in a bar telling the story of how he became a loser. And I never want that to happen to me!
Barney: Please, Homer?
Moe: Yeah, come on, Homer.
Homer: Well, okay. It all started on Nuclear Plant Employee, Spouses and No More Than Three Children Night, down at Springfield Stadium
 • Rating: Unrated

(Before the baseball game at Springfield Stadium, the Simpson family watches the players warm-up.)
Bart: Oh, wow! There's Flash Baylor! I gotta get his autograph! He used to be a star!
(Bart makes his way to the outfield fence.)
Bart: Hey, Flash, will you sign my ball?
Flash Baylor: (Flatly) No.
(A disappointed Bart returns back to his seat.)
Bart: (Muttering) Lousy, washed-up, broken down tub of guts. Who does he think he is, anyway?
Homer: What's the matter, boy?
Bart: He wouldn't sign my ball.
Marge: (Upset) Well, he's a fine role model. Bart, give me that ball!
(Marge makes her way to the outfield fence.)
Outfielder: Hey, Flash, check out the mature quail headin' this way.
Flash Baylor: Well, hey there, little lady. What can Flash do for ya?
(Cut to Marge returning back to her seat and handing Bart's ball back to him.)
Marge: Here you go, Bart.
Bart: Hmm. (Reading baseball) "Springfield Kozy Kort Motel, room 26. How 'bout it? Flash."
Homer: Wow! Flash Baylor came onto my wife! You've still got the magic, Marge.
 • Rating: Unrated

(At Springfield Stadium, the entire crowd laughs as Mr. Burns weakly throws out the first pitch.)
Homer: Hey, Burns! Hey, rag arm!
Bart: You throw like my sister, man!
Lisa: Yeah, you throw like me!
 • Rating: Unrated

(Homer and Mr. Burns sit next to each other during the company outing at Springfield Stadium.)
Mr. Burns: (Taunting) The hitter's off his rocker, kissing Betty Crocker!
Homer: (Laughs) Good one, sir.
Mr. Burns: Oh, well, I used to rile the late, great Connie Mack with that one at old Shibe Park.
Homer: (Taunting) Little baby batter can't control his bladder!
Mr. Burns: Mmm, crude, but, uh, I like it. Uh, what do you say we freshen up our little drinkie-poos?
Homer: Don't mind if I do.
 • Rating: Unrated

(At Springfield Stadium, as Dancin' Homer, Homer tries to psyche out a player from the opposing baseball team.)
Homer: Oooh! Boogie-boogie-boogie-boogie-boogie! Oooh! Boogie-boogie-boogie-boogie-boogie!
Player: Hey, knock that off, or I'll stick this bat where the sun don't shine!
Homer: Oh, yeah? And where might that be?
(Off camera, the player shows Homer where.)
Homer: (Frightened) Oh!
 • Rating: Unrated

(At Moe's, Homer reaches the point in his story in which he has to decide to move to Captial City.)
Homer: This was the biggest decision the Simpsons ever faced. I should have listened to the kids instead of my big, dumb wife. Oh, I shouldn't have called her that. Bite my tongue, bite my tongue--Oww!
 • Rating: Unrated

(Bart and Milhouse say goodbye, as Bart is headed off to Capital City.)
Milhouse: I don't know, Bart. I mean, I'm gonna miss you and all, but--
Bart: Come on, Milhouse. This way we'll be friends forever.
Milhouse: Wellokay.
(Bart and Milhouse spit on each other's hands and shake.)
Bart and Milhouse: (In unison) Eeeew!
Bart: I'm gonna miss you, spit brother.
Milhouse: I'm gonna miss you, spit brother.
 • Rating: Unrated

(The Simpson family make their way to their seats at Springfield Stadium.)
Lisa: I can't think of a better place to spend a balmy summer's night than the old ball yard. There's just the green grass of the outfield, the crushed brick of the infield, and the white chalk lines that divide the man from the little boy.
Homer: (Chuckles) Lisa, honey. You're forgetting the beer. It comes in 72-ounce tubs here.
Marge: I hope you'll space out the tubs this year, Homer.
Homer: What are you getting at?
Marge: Well, last year you got a little rambunctious and mooned the poor umpire.
Homer: Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the right--no, the duty--to make a complete ass of myself.
Marge: Mmmph.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Marge notices the Dancin' Homer t-shirts being sold at the ball park.)
Marge: A Simpson on a t-shirt. I never thought I'd see the day.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Homer gives a farewell speech to the fans at Springfield Stadium)
Homer: Some may say that I have been given a bad break in life; little education, bald as a cue ball, ten years on the same job for the same salary. But today, as I leave for Capital City, I consider myself the luckiest mascot on the face of the earth.
 • Rating: Unrated

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