The Simpsons

The Simpsons Season 2 Quotes (Page 17)

Season 2 Episode 2: "Simpson and Delilah"

Burns: Let the fools have their "tar-tar sauce."
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Homer: Dear God, give a bald guy a break. Amen.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Homer is busy strangling Bart after he wasted the rest of the Dimoxinil.)
Homer: Boy...must...die!
Bart: (Groans) I love you, Dad!
Homer: D'oh!
(Homer stammers and lets Bart go.)
Homer: Dirty trick. Okay. I'm not gonna kill you, but I'm gonna tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your days. You've ruined your father, you've crippled your family, and baldness is hereditary!
Bart: (Shocked) It is?
 • Rating: Unrated

(Karl sits down for his interview for the assistant job with Homer)
Karl: You don't belong here.
Homer: Huh?
Karl: You don't belong here.
(Karl stands and points at Homer across the desk)
Karl: You're a fraud and a phony, and it's only a matter of time until they find you out.
Homer: (Gasps) Who told you?
Karl: You did. You told me with the way you slump your shoulders, the way you talk into your chest, the way you smother yourself in bargain-basement lime-green polyester.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Marge discusses Homer's new hair with Patty and Selma.)
Marge: He's much happier at work and--Well, just between us girls, he hasn't been this frisky in years!
Patty: Mmm.
Selma: I don't wanna think about it.
 • Rating: Unrated

(The Simpson family watches a game show called Grade School Challenge on TV)
Game Show Host: Okay, the capital of North Dakota is named after what German ruler?
Homer: Hitler!
Marge: (Questioning Homer) Hitler, North Dakota?
Patty and Selma: (In unison) Bismarck.
Girl Contestant: Bismarck!
Bart: (To Homer) Hitler?
Homer: Hey, I'm still beating you, boy.
Game Show Host: Okay, the colors of the Italian flag are red, white, and what?
Bart: Blue!
Homer: Yellow!
Bart: Orange!
Selma: Green.
Bart: Red!
Patty: Green.
Bart: Purple!
Homer: Red! White! Black! Green!
Girl Contestant: Green.
Homer: I was right! (Claps)
 • Rating: Unrated

Lenny: Homer, don't be a sap all of your life. Just fill out a few medical insurance forms creatively. Charge that Dimoxinil stuff to the company.
Homer: But it's a thousand bucks. Burns would can my butt in no time flat.
Lenny: (Sarcastically) Ooh! A thousand bucks. So what? To Mr. Burns, that's one less ivory back scratcher.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Homer, Lenny and Carl eat lunch at the power plant)
Homer: D'oh! Outta tartar sauce. They call this a portion? Hey, Lenny, are you gonna use all of your tartar sauce?
(Lenny slides his lunch tray away from Homer)
Homer: Dry fish sticks. This sucks.
Carl: Quit complaining, chrome dome.
Homer: D'oh! If I had hair, you wouldn't be calling me that!
 • Rating: Unrated

(Homer runs through the town rejoicing about his new hair.)
Homer: Good morning, Moe's Tavern!
Barney: Hey! It's the president!
 • Rating: Unrated

(After losing his hair again, Homer struggles through a presentation in front of the power plant executives.)
Homer: Uh, the long-term benefits more than offsetting the one-time cost for a net savings of f-five thousand, two, uh, hundred an--(Stammers) Oh, lots of money.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Mr. Burns and Smithers study security camera footage.)
Mr. Burns: Morons. Pathetic morons in my employ, stealing my precious money. This is hopeless. None of these cretins deserves a promotion.
Smithers: Well, it's in the union contract, sir. One token promotion from within per year.
Mr. Burns: Wait! Who is that young go-getter? (Points at a monitor with Homer on it.)
Smithers: Well, it sort of looks like (Chuckles) Homer Simpson, only more dynamic and resourceful.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, huh? Hmm. An unspoiled lump of clay to mold in my own image. Our new junior executive. Bring him to me!
 • Rating: Unrated

(After the Dimoxinil is spilled on the floor, Homer rubs his head on the carpet and cries)
Lisa: Dad seems to be taking this in a less than heroic fashion.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 2 Episode 1: "Bart Gets an F"

(Mrs. Krabappel awards Bart with an extra point on his test, after demonstrating some applied knowledge; this brings his grade from an F to a D-Minus.)
Bart: You mean, I... passed?
Mrs. Krabappel: Just barely!
Bart: (Gasps) I passed! I got a D-Minus! I passed! (Tearfully joyful) All right!
(Bart kisses Mrs. Krabappel and dances out of the classroom.)
Bart: I passed! I passed! I passed! I passed! I got a D-Minus! I passed!
(Bart runs around the front of the school showing off his test.)
Bart: I got a D-Minus! I passed! I got a D-Minus! I passed! I passed! I...(Disgusted) kissed the teacher! (Spits, coughs and blows raspberries.)
 • Rating: Unrated

(Bart listens to Mrs. Krabappel lecture him about his failing grades.)
Mrs. Krabappel: Your grades have gotten steadily worse since the beginning of the term. Are you aware of that?
Bart: Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. Krabappel: Are you aware that there is a major exam tomorrow on colonial America?
Bart: Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. Krabappel: Blah, blah, blah-blah. Blah, blah, blah?
Bart: Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. Krabappel: Blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah-blah.
Bart: Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. Krabappel: Bart! You haven't been paying attention to a word I said, have you?
Bart: Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. Krabappel: Well, then what did I say?
Bart: Uhhh, "Straighten up and fly right?"
Mrs. Krabappel: (Blows raspberry) That was a lucky guess.
 • Rating: Unrated

Otto: Get off the bus or forever hold your peace, little dudes!
(The students climb off the bus, as Bart stays behind.)
Bart: Otto, you know I respect you. I mean, you always let us throw stuff at cars and try to tip the bus on sharp turns.
Otto: Heh. Damn thing never goes over, does it? Ah! So, what's in your head, little man?
Bart: Well, I've been failing a lot of tests recently.
Otto: Yeah-huh.
Bart: And now they're talkin' about holding me back in the fourth grade if I don't shape up.
Otto: That's it? Hey, relax, man! It could end up being the best thing that ever happened to ya. I got held back in the fourth grade myself. Twice! Look at me, man! Now I drive the school bus!
 • Rating: Unrated

(Bart has just given a poor book report on Treasure Island.)
Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, did you read the book?
Bart: Mrs.Krabappel, I am insulted. Is this a book report or a witch hunt?
Mrs. Krabappel: Then perhaps you'd like to tell us the name of the pirate.
Bart's Brain: Blackbeard. Captain Nemo. Captain Hook. Long John Silver. Peg Leg Pete. Bluebeard.
Bart: Bluebeard?
 • Rating: Unrated

(In a parent teacher conference, school psychiatrist suggests that Bart be held back in the 4th grade.)
Bart: (Panicked) You can't hold me back. I swear I'm gonna do better. Look at my eyes. See the sincerity? See the conviction? See the fear? As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade!
Homer: And if you don't, at least you'll be bigger than the other kids.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Bart gives a book report in front of his class.)
Bart: Well, as Mrs. Krabappel already mentioned, the name of the book that I read was Treasure Island. It's about these pirates, (Looks at the illustrated cover of the book.) pirates with patches over their eyes, (Looks at cover.) and shiny gold teeth, (Looks at cover.) and green birds on their shoulders. Did I mention this book was written (Looks at cover.) by a guy named Robert Louis Stevenson? (Looks at cover.) And published by the good people at McGraw-Hill. So, in conclusion, on the Simpson scale of one to ten--ten being the highest, one being the lowest and five being average--I give this book a nine. (Clears throat) Any questions?
(Several students raise their hands.)
Bart: No? Then I'll just sit down.
 • Rating: Unrated

(A concerned Bart boards the school bus.)
Otto: Hey, Bart, dude! Whoa, you look freaked.
Bart: Hey, Otto man, I got a big test today that I am not ready for. Could you please crash the bus or something?
Otto: Oh, sorry, little buddy. Can't do it on purpose. But hey, maybe you'll get lucky!
 • Rating: Unrated

(On the bus ride to school, Bart seeks some answers for his upcoming test.)
Bart: Okay, no reason to panic. Find an egghead, pump him for some answers and, boom, I'm back on easy street.
(Bart looks around the bus and spots an open seat near Sherri and Terri.)
Bart: Aha.
Terri: Look at him. I bet he didn't study again.
Sherri: And now he's gonna try to kiss up and get answers from us.
Terri: He's pathetic.
(Bart sits down in the vacant seat near Sherri and Terri.)
Bart: Good morning, girls.
Sherri and Terri: (Cheerfully and in unison.) Good morning, Bart!
Bart: Say, who's up for a little cram session? I'll go first. What was the name of the pilgrims' boat?
Sherri: The Spirit of St. Louis.
Bart: And where'd they land?
Terri: Sunny Acapulco.
Bart: And why'd they leave England?
Sherri: Giant rats!
(Bart writes down Sherri and Terri's answers.)
Bart: Cool! History's comin' alive.
(Sherri and Terri giggle to themselves.)
 • Rating: Unrated

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