The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXThe Simpsons Season 2 Quotes
(Ned visits with Homer, while Homer mows his lawn.)
Ned: Uh, Sa--Say, Simpson, uh, I--I've got some, uh, time release granules that'll get rid of that crabgrass in just a half a jif.
Homer: Crabgrass? What are you talking about? Where?
Ned: Well, uh, (Starts pointing in various spots.) ooh, there, there, and, uh, there's a big patch over there.
Homer: There's nothing wrong with crabgrass. It just has a bad name, that's all. Everyone would love it if it had a cute name, like, uh, elf grass.
(Ned Flanders shows Homer his "rumpus room.")
Homer: (Gasps) Holy moly! It's beautiful.
Ned: (Chuckles) Say, that's right. This your first visit to the Flanders homestead, huh?
Homer: Well, we've only been neighbors, what--(Mumbles and counts on fingers.)--eight years.
(After hanging out in Ned Flanders' basement and seeing his "perfect" family get along well together, Homer blows up in anger.)
Homer: All right, knock it off!
Ned: Knock what off, Simpson?
Homer: You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got here! Your family is better than my family! Your beer comes from farther away than my beer! You and your son like each other! Your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!
Ned: Simpson, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave! I hope you understand.
Homer: I wouldn't stay on a bet!
(Homer has one last gulp of beer and grabs a sandwich.)
Homer: One for the road.
(After getting into an argument with Ned Flanders earlier in the day, Homer can't sleep.)
Marge: Homey, quit tossing.
Homer: Sorry, Marge. But, it's just that I'm still steamed up about that jerk Flanders. Lousy bragging know-it-all show-off.
Marge: What exactly did he say?
Homer: Get this. He said--Now--He said--Well, it wasn't so much what he said, it was how he said it.
Marge: Well, how did he say it?
Homer: Well, he--
Marge: Was he angry?
Homer: No.
Marge: Was he rude?
Homer: Okay, okay, it wasn't how he said it either. But the message was loud and clear: Our family stinks!
(Using the phone, Ned Flanders seeks some counsel in the middle of the night.)
Ned: Hello, Reverend Lovejoy?
Helen Lovejoy: (Yawns) No. This is Mrs. Lovejoy. (Sighs) Just a minute. (Covers the phone) Honey. Honey, wake up. It sounds like Ned Flanders is having some sort of crisis.
Reverend Lovejoy: (Groans) Probably stepped on a worm.
(Bart and Homer finish a round of miniature golf.)
Bart: Final score: Bart, 41. Homer--Let's see. Six plus six plus six plus six plus six plus--
Homer: Never mind!
(Lisa tries to mentally prepare Bart for the miniature golf tournament with some meditation.)
Lisa: I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind.
Bart: Okay.
Lisa: Embrace nothingness.
Bart: You got it.
Lisa: Become like an uncarved stone.
Bart: Done.
Lisa: Bart! You're just pretending to know what I'm talking about!
Bart: True.
Lisa: Well, it's very frustrating!
Bart: I'll bet.
(Homer puts some pressure on Bart to win the Miniature golf tournament.)
Homer: Look, son, all I'm asking is that you'll try.
Bart: Okay, I'll try.
Homer: D'oh! Anybody can try! I want you to win!
(Before the championship miniature golf match, the Flanders family pray together.)
Homer: Hey, Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing, and we can't both win.
Ned: Actually, Simpson, we were praying that no one gets hurt!
Homer: Oh, well, Flanders, it doesn't matter. This time tomorrow you'll be wearing high heels.
Ned: Nope. You will.
Homer: 'Fraid not.
Ned: 'Fraid so.
Homer: 'Fraid not!
Ned: 'Fraid so!
Homer: 'Fraid not, infinity!
Ned: 'Fraid so, infinity plus one!
Homer: D'oh!
Homer: What does everyone say to some miniature golf, followed by a round of frosty chocolate milkshakes!
Bart: All right!
Marge: Mmm, I was going to wash my hair.
Lisa: And I'm studying for the math fair. If I win, I'll bring home a brand-new protractor.
Homer: Too bad we don't live on a farm.
Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself, I'm not sure how they're supposed to sound, but here goes. I believe in you.
Lisa
Marge: Homer, I couldn't help overhearing you warp Bart's mind.
Homer: And?
Marge: I'm worried that you're making to big a deal of this silly little kiddie golf tournament.
Homer: But, Marge, this is our big chance to show up the Flandereses.
Marge: I'm sure it is, but why do we want to do that?
Homer: Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.
