The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXThe Simpsons Season 2 Quotes
(Lisa tries to teach Bart a method to clear his mind of distraction.)
Lisa: Bart, I have a riddle for you. What's the sound of one hand clapping?
Bart: Piece of cake.
(Bart opens and closes his right fist quickly, making a sound.)
Lisa: No, Bart. It's a 3000-year-old riddle with no answer. It's supposed to clear your mind of conscious thought.
Bart: No answer? Lisa, listen up.
(Bart quickly opens and closes his fist again.)
(Lisa preps Bart before the golf tournament)
Lisa: Eighth hole.
Bart: Aim for the octopus' third tentacle.
Lisa: Twelfth hole.
Bart: Bank it off the pink tombstone.
Lisa: Nirvana.
Bart: State of bliss attained through the extinction of the self.
If one were to look up "courage" in the Oxford English Dictionary, one might very well come upon the photo of these two gladiators. They approach the final hole in the shadow of the great emancipator, deadlocked at eight strokes on the happy side of par. Soon, one man will emerge triumphant. He will drink naught but champagne, while his opponent tastes bitter defeat in this oft cruel game.
Announcer
Dear Neighbor, you are my brother. I love you, and yet I feel a great sadness in my bosom.
</i> Ned
Neighbor's forever,
Ned Flanders
As my son would say, I'm one sad ape-like dude.
Homer
(Homer meets the Capital City Goofball for the first time.)
Homer: (Gasps) Oh, my God! I don't believe it! It's really you! The Capital City Goofball!
Capital City Goofball: Hello, Dancin' Homer. Glad to have you aboard. If there's anything I can do for you, just squeeze the wheeze.
(The Capital City Goofball honks as he squeezes his large nose.)
(Mr. Burns greets the Simpson family on Nuclear Power Plant Family Night at Springfield Stadium.)
Smithers: (Whispering) It's the Simpsons, sir
Mr. Burns: Ah, well, if it isn't the Simps!
Homer: Uh, it-it's Simpsons, sir.
Mr. Burns: Huh?
(Smithers hands Mr. Burns an index card with the Simpson family information.)
Mr. Burns: Oh, uh, oh, yes. Homer and Marge Simpson. Oh, and these must be Bart, Lisa, and, uh, "Expecting."
Smithers: Uh, the card needs to be updated, sir.
(Mr. Burns stammers in frustration)
Homer: Well, uh, that's okay. Th-the baby's name isn't important. Let's go, Marge.
(At Moe's, the guys try to get Homer to tell his story about moving to Capital City.)
Barney: So, Homer, what happened in Capital City?
Homer: Oh, Barney.
Moe: Come on, Homer. We're dyin' of curiosity.
Homer: Look, there's only one thing worse than being a loser. It's being one of those guys who sits in a bar telling the story of how he became a loser. And I never want that to happen to me!
Barney: Please, Homer?
Moe: Yeah, come on, Homer.
Homer: Well, okay. It all started on Nuclear Plant Employee, Spouses and No More Than Three Children Night, down at Springfield Stadium
(Before the baseball game at Springfield Stadium, the Simpson family watches the players warm-up.)
Bart: Oh, wow! There's Flash Baylor! I gotta get his autograph! He used to be a star!
(Bart makes his way to the outfield fence.)
Bart: Hey, Flash, will you sign my ball?
Flash Baylor: (Flatly) No.
(A disappointed Bart returns back to his seat.)
Bart: (Muttering) Lousy, washed-up, broken down tub of guts. Who does he think he is, anyway?
Homer: What's the matter, boy?
Bart: He wouldn't sign my ball.
Marge: (Upset) Well, he's a fine role model. Bart, give me that ball!
(Marge makes her way to the outfield fence.)
Outfielder: Hey, Flash, check out the mature quail headin' this way.
Flash Baylor: Well, hey there, little lady. What can Flash do for ya?
(Cut to Marge returning back to her seat and handing Bart's ball back to him.)
Marge: Here you go, Bart.
Bart: Hmm. (Reading baseball) "Springfield Kozy Kort Motel, room 26. How 'bout it? Flash."
Homer: Wow! Flash Baylor came onto my wife! You've still got the magic, Marge.
(At Springfield Stadium, the entire crowd laughs as Mr. Burns weakly throws out the first pitch.)
Homer: Hey, Burns! Hey, rag arm!
Bart: You throw like my sister, man!
Lisa: Yeah, you throw like me!
(Homer and Mr. Burns sit next to each other during the company outing at Springfield Stadium.)
Mr. Burns: (Taunting) The hitter's off his rocker, kissing Betty Crocker!
Homer: (Laughs) Good one, sir.
Mr. Burns: Oh, well, I used to rile the late, great Connie Mack with that one at old Shibe Park.
Homer: (Taunting) Little baby batter can't control his bladder!
Mr. Burns: Mmm, crude, but, uh, I like it. Uh, what do you say we freshen up our little drinkie-poos?
Homer: Don't mind if I do.
(At Springfield Stadium, as Dancin' Homer, Homer tries to psyche out a player from the opposing baseball team.)
Homer: Oooh! Boogie-boogie-boogie-boogie-boogie! Oooh! Boogie-boogie-boogie-boogie-boogie!
Player: Hey, knock that off, or I'll stick this bat where the sun don't shine!
Homer: Oh, yeah? And where might that be?
(Off camera, the player shows Homer where.)
Homer: (Frightened) Oh!
