Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
TV Fanatic Works Better with Prime Instant Video
Try it Now for Free and Instantly Watch Two and a Half Men.

Eldritch: There's something wrong here, are you sending us to military school?
Alan: No, why would you think that?
Jake: I dunno, 16 years of bargain pizza from Costco and vanilla wafers for dessert?

My past is divided between things I can't remember and things I don't want to and you're both.

Charlie

Alan: Lindsey and I have decided to live together.
Jake: I dunno think Uncle Charlie's going to like that. He's never been real pleased you and I moved in.

Alan: Dammit, how do you get a guy to leave your house who doesn't want to go?
Berta: Tell him you missed your period and you're out of pot. It always worked for me.

Everyone has a little baggage. I drink and try to mouth kiss hookers. You, you're cheap annoying and no one like you.

Charlie

Alan: What's not to love?
Charlie: I dunno, her mood swings, her idiot teenage son and the fact you need a muscle relaxer, a bottle of wine and a jackhammer to get her off.

Yeah, hi. I'm watching your commercial cash for gold and you just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't want to sell gold, I want to meet her. She's hot and we know her marriage isn't working out.

Charlie

Lindsey: It's okay, Alan. I don't have to have orgasm every time you make love.
Alan: I did my best, it's just that my sinuses are a little block and I needed my mouth for breathing.
Lindsey: Don't worry about it, you were great. "A" for effort.
Alan: But on my report card, it's still going to say incomplete.

Displaying all 8 quotes

Two and a Half Men Season 8 Episode 2 Quotes

Yeah, hi. I'm watching your commercial cash for gold and you just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't want to sell gold, I want to meet her. She's hot and we know her marriage isn't working out.

Charlie

Lindsey: It's okay, Alan. I don't have to have orgasm every time you make love.
Alan: I did my best, it's just that my sinuses are a little block and I needed my mouth for breathing.
Lindsey: Don't worry about it, you were great. "A" for effort.
Alan: But on my report card, it's still going to say incomplete.

× Close Ad