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Two-and-a-half-men

Sharon: I'm sorry, Alan, I can't do this.
Alan: Sure you can. I mean, you are... and if you'll allow me to say so, you're pretty good at it.
Sharon: It's not you, it's me.
Alan: Yeah, right!
Sharon: What is that supposed to mean?
Alan: Sharon, I have been rejected by... thirty two different women in my life, and you know what? It's never been me.

Berta: Morning.
Alan: Morning. Hey, Berta, you're a woman.
Berta: Where are we going with this, Zippy?
Alan: I was just wondering-what does it mean when someone starts crying uncontrollably after sex?
Berta: Well, in my experience, it usually means the conjugal visit's over.

Sharon: The image of you lying on top of me will haunt me forever.
Alan: Did you want to be on top?

Evelyn: Margaret, good to see you! How's married life?
Margaret: Oh, just one long honeymoon.
Evelyn: That's because she bangs a different groom every night.
Charlie: Hi. Charlie Harper.

Alan: You know what they say about nice guys?
Sharon: Yes, they finish last.
Alan: No, they finish in the shower.

Evelyn: That is the king of vaginal rejuvenation surgery. But interestingly, he's never used one himself, rejuvenated or otherwise.
Charlie: Wouldn't that make him the queen of vaginal surgery?

Evelyn: Teddy is out of town and I need an escort for the Civic Light Opera benefit this evening.
Charlie: Why don't you just try one of those escort services?
Evelyn: Charlie, if I were going to pay $200 per hour for a man, I would not be taking him to the opera.
Charlie: That's fair.

Evelyn: They say that he killed a famous writer just to prove a point.
Charlie: Ooohh. And what was the point?
Evelyn: ...I can kill a writer.

Alan: Well, I'd love to help you out, Mom, but, uh, I have a date tonight.
Evelyn: So, now it's inflatable sex doll night at Dodger Stadium?
Alan: No, no, I really have a date. And the doll was a gag gift from one of my patients.
Evelyn: Charlie, what about you?
Charlie: I tried it once, but I prefer a real woman.

Alan: Charlie, I'm not gonna lie to some poor woman, just so you can dump her.
Charlie: I'm not dumping her. We've just grown apart.
Alan: Since you've picked her up at a bar last night?
Charlie: People change...

Displaying all 10 quotes

Two and a Half Men Season 5 Episode 2 Quotes

Alan: Well, I'd love to help you out, Mom, but, uh, I have a date tonight.
Evelyn: So, now it's inflatable sex doll night at Dodger Stadium?
Alan: No, no, I really have a date. And the doll was a gag gift from one of my patients.
Evelyn: Charlie, what about you?
Charlie: I tried it once, but I prefer a real woman.

Alan: Charlie, I'm not gonna lie to some poor woman, just so you can dump her.
Charlie: I'm not dumping her. We've just grown apart.
Alan: Since you've picked her up at a bar last night?
Charlie: People change...

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