Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 2 Quotes (Page 4)

Season 2 Episode 13: "Zejdz z Moich Wlosów"

Jake: This is really weird.
Alan: Why is it weird? Your mom and I may not be living together anymore, but we're still friends.
Jake: I don't flip off my friends when I talk to them on the phone.
Charlie: Nice shooting. Two with one bullet
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: There are no such things as small frightened women. That's a myth, perpetrated by the large angry women who secretly run the world!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan [about Judith]: What am I supposed to do, put her in a hotel?
Charlie: Yeah: put her in a hotel, put her in a space capsule, put her in a catapult and see how far she flies
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: And what are you afraid of?
Charlie: Let's see: large birds, small bugs, unplanned pregnancy, and your ex-wife living in my house
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Apparently, the earthquake hit Sherman Oaks a lot harder than Malibu.
Charlie: What earthquake?
Alan: What earthquake? About an hour ago. You didn't feel the house shaking?
Charlie: Oh...
Alan: Unbelievable, you actually though that was you?
Charlie: No, I thought it was her, you know, because of me. The good news is, unless they report it on Polish TV I still get the credit
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie [regarding the tongs]: Ah, you better use the wooden ones.
Judith: What's wrong with these?
Charlie: I use those whenever I drop my watch in the toilet.
Judith: This is a regular occurrence?
Charlie: You'd think I'd learn.
Judith: And you keep them in the kitchen?
Charlie: I used to hang them on a little hook in the bathroom, but it freaked some chicks out
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta [regarding Judith]: What are you, a farm animal?
Charlie: What?
Berta: That is your brother's ex-wife out there.
Charlie: I know who she is. Oh, no, no. She's just staying here because of the earthquake. I'm not. I would never. I couldn't. [Charlie takes a peep at Judith on his deck in her bikini) Okay, maybe I could, but I'm not.
Berta: Yeah, that's what I used to say about my stepbrother, Cousin Dewey
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 2 Episode 12: "A Lungful of Alan"

Jamie [to Alan]: You can never have this. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!
[Jamie leaves]
Charlie: Well, I guess we know why she's still single.
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Jake [looking at yearbook pictures]: What was going on with your hair?
Jamie: It's called a Jheri curl.
Alan: It was my Michael Jackson period.
Jake: Who's the tall guy next to you?
Jamie: Oh, uh, that's me, Jake.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 2 Episode 11: "Last Chance to See Those Tattoos"

Charlie: If I don't do something about that website, I'm gonna have to move to Pennsylvania and chase Amish broads
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta [about Judith]: You're not really thinking about going back, are you?
Alan: I don't know. She wants to, but I'm torn.
Berta: You're not torn, you're gutless. Do you still love her?
Alan: Of course I do. I mean, you know, we've been through a lot of things together. She's the mother of my son.
Berta: Okay, listen to me Zippy. If that's all it took to make a marriage, I'd have a husband for each one of my tattoos
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: My failed marriage is like a dead dog. But it serves as fertilizer for the shrub, which represents my new life. So if I try to revitalize the marriage, you know, digging up the dog, then I'm killing the shrub, which is me.
Berta: Like you said, it's apt.
Alan: Thank you Berta, you're a very insightful woman.
Berta: I know. In a just world, you'll be washing my shorts
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: Last chance to see those tattoos!
Alan: No, thanks.
Berta: I can make the road runner do jumping jacks!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Are you still reading that thing?
Charlie: How can I not? It's an entire website devoted to trashing me! Listen to this: "Has anybody had sex with Charlie where he actually bothered to take his socks off?" It's just mean! I have bad circulation in my feet -- they get cold!
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Please tell me the Jack and Ginger isn't for you.
Gail: No, it's for my girlfriend. Why?
Charlie: Well, you look like a woman of discriminating taste, and mixing a quality bourbon with ginger ale is like putting Cheez Whiz on Lobster Newberg.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 2 Episode 10: "The Salmon Under My Sweater"

Charlie [about Rose]: You do remember she's bent?
Alan: Deep down she's a good person.
Charlie: Deep down, she's several good people, and they're all bent!
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Have you been spying on me?
Rose: No, silly! I spy on Charlie; you just get in the way sometimes
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: I assume you finished reading Lord of the Flies for your book report?
Jake: Mm-hm.
Alan: Oh, good. How did you like it?
Jake: I thought it was... a timeless American classic.
Alan: I see. So tell me, what is it about?
Jake: You mean the book?
Alan: Yeah, the book.
Jake: It's called Lord of the Flies, and it's about a really big fly that all the other flies pray to
 • Rating: 3.3 / 5.0

Alan: Did you know Rose has a master's degree in psychology?
Berta: Did you know I'm a founding member of the mile high club?
Alan: No.
Berta: Yeah, me and Orville at Kitty Hawk
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: So you want to know what goes on underneath this rough exterior. Whether somewhere inside me there is a tiny little girl that wanted to be a famous ballerina.
Alan: Is there?
Berta: If there is, it is because I accidentally ate her and I haven't passed her yet. I'm telling you, I'm dreading that tiara
 • Rating: Unrated

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