Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Doctor: You're a doctor?
Alan: I'm a chiropractor.
Doctor: Then... no

Berta: Here, this is for you.
Alan: Um, thank you? And I didn't get you anything...
Berta: It's your kid's toilet seat. It's obviously in his way, and I'm tired of cleaning it!
Alan: Oh, come on, Berta, he's eleven.
Berta: He's a pig

Alan [about Jake being a slob]: I'll talk to him.
Berta: Well, while you're at it, you may want to mention the half-eaten egg salad sandwiches in his toy chest, the dead marine life in the back of his closet, and the booger collection under his bed!
Alan: I'll do my best to address your concerns.
Berta: Don't condescend to me, Zippy. I'll snap you like a butter bean

Charlie [having back pain]: Alan, you're a chiropractor... do something.
Alan: Really, you want MY help? Even after you referred to my profession as, oh what was it.. "urban voodoo"?
Charlie: I'm sorry. Now help me.
Alan: Ok, ok... we'll see what we can do. [begins doing voodoo dance] Hoomala, hoomala, hoomala...

Charlie [in pain on the floor]: New plan—I need someone who can give me drugs.
Berta: I'm not holding, but I can make a coupla calls.
Alan: Drugs just mask the problem.
Charlie: Fine. Mask it. Throw a cape on it, and let it fight crime. I just want it to go away

Charlie: I'm sorry, I forgot. Why are you here in the middle of the week?
Jake: My mom had to take a vacation.
Charlie: From what?
Jake: Me

Alan: Come on, Jake. It's time to get up for school.
Jake: I can't go to school, I'm sick.
Alan: What's wrong?
Jake: I think I have acid reflex disease.
Alan: Really? Acid reflex disease? Where does it hurt?
Jake: Um... my head?
Alan: Nice try

Alan: What's taking you so long?
Jake: I can't find my other shoe.
Alan: So put on a different pair.
Jake: But this one's on already

Jake [about his lunch]: An artichoke?
Charlie: Maybe you can trade it for something good.
Jake: With who? One of the slow kids?
Charlie: Give it a shot. Tell him it's a puppy

Berta: Show of hands—who spent their day pre-soaking the shorts of a kid who leaves more skid marks than a getaway car? [Berta raises her hand] That's what I thought. Now, if you ladies will excuse me. I have three buses to catch. [Berta leaves]
Charlie: I bet she catches them by hand

Jake: Can I have some privacy, please?
Charlie: For what? You're eleven.
Jake: That's close to puberty

Charlie: What would you do if you want to go pee, but you have $500 in the table?
Jake: Go pee?
Charlie: You pee on yourself. Come on, you have pants that cost $50 and $500 that you could win. Do the math.
Jake: So I have to do the math and pee my pants?

Displaying quotes 37 - 48 of 135 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 2 Quotes

Charlie: I'm just having some friends over to... smoke cigars, sample some fine single-malt Scotch, and, you know, talk.
Alan: I enjoy all those things. But Scotch makes me a little gassy, but I'll take a Beano and I'm good to go.

Back off, Mary Poppins

Sean Penn [to Alan]