Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two-and-a-half-men

Charlie: Hey, Alan.
Alan: I'm in the shower.
Charlie: Guess what I'm gonna do with Mia?
Alan: Guess what I'm already doing with Kandi!
Kandi: That's not fair, Alan, you have to give him a hint.
Alan: He doesn't need a hint.
Kandi: Well then how is he supposed to guess? Oh, well. Oh, look, a place to hang my washcloth!

Charlie: So basically, I asked her to marry me, and she said "yes."
Jake: Hah
Alan: What do you think about that, Jake?
Jake: Good.
Charlie: That's it? Good?
Jake: It's not good?
Charlie: No, it's good.
Jake: That's what I said. Alright, I'm full
Alan: Wears his little heart on his sleeve, doesn't h?.
Charlie: It's my own fault. I should have known better than to talk to him at feeding time

Charlie [about Rose]: Did she just use the front door?
Alan: Uh huh.
Charlie: She's never used the front door before.
Alan: Uh Uh. What happened out there?
Charlie: Well, I told her I was going to marry Mia. And I think I could actually see her medication stop working.
Alan: What do you think she is going to do?
Charlie: The question is not what, it's when. And how I'm gonna enjoy my honeymoon with my testicles glued to my ass crack

Mia: Charlie, I came here because... Well... I want your sperm.
Charlie: All right, where do you want it?

Charlie: Mia wants sperm.
Alan: Well, don't look at me.
Charlie: No, no, she wants my sperm. She wants me to make a deposit so she can make a baby.
Alan: You're kidding.
Charlie: Apparently, that's another one of its uses!

Charlie: I'm good genetic material, you know, easy on the eyes, and she wants to raise the kid alone which fits nicely into my lifestyle.
Alan: Charlie, drinking, gambling and casual sex is not a lifestyle

Alan: So, what are you going to do? You gonna go to a sperm bank?
Charlie: Well, I tried to talk her into a direct deposit. You know, straight from the tap. But she really dug in her heels. And not in a good way.
Alan: And you're okay with it?
Charlie: Well, why not? I've sent billions of solders out there. It's time for one of them to finally take the hill

Charlie: How about a quickie for old times sake?
Mia: Oh, please. Charlie, I think you're a terrific guy. You're smart, and handsome, and talented...
Charlie: All good arguments for the quickie.
Mia: Will you let me finish?
Charlie: Didn't I always?

Alan [about the party]: Are her parents going to be there?
Jake: I guess.
Charlie: Let the fathers who have girls worry about that

Charlie: I can't risk letting you scar the kid forever.
Alan: What do you mean by that?
Charlie: Face it, Alan, what can you bring to the table other than a lifetime of abject failure with women?
Alan: It's not a lifetime yet.
Charlie: I, on the other hand, have a wealth of experience to offer.
Alan: He's twelve, he doesn't need know how to choreograph a three-way.
Charlie: I'm not talking about that—I'm saving that for prom night

Charlie: By the way, did you have the talk with him?
Alan: Well sure, I mean, well we've had a talk, you know, covered the basics. He knows where babies come from and how they got there.
Charlie: That's all? He's going to this party completely clueless about how much fun he can have between "Hi, how are you" and "What do you mean you missed your period.

Alan: I happen to believe that childhood should be a time of innocence.
Charlie: I agree: childhood should be a time of innocence, and Bambi's mother shouldn't die, and lap dances should be complementary after the fifth cocktail, but that's not the world we live in

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 121 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 3 Quotes

Charlie: Mixing those pills with alcohol is really a bad idea.
Alan: Not if you're trying to kill yourself

Charlie: Hey, buddy, how you been?
Jake: Life stinks.
Charlie: Cheer up, you're still a kid. It gets much worse

x Close Ad