Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 3 Quotes (Page 5)

Season 3 Episode 8: "That Voodoo That I Do Do"

Mia: How old is your nephew?
Charlie: I don't know, eleven? Twelve? It's hard to tell, he has a big head
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: What are you doing? You just ate dinner an hour ago.
Charlie: Then he won't need breakfast.
Jake: Yes, I will
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 3 Episode 7: "Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop"

Evelyn: I think God gives us children so that death won't come as such a disappointment
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: Why was it stupid?
Alan: Because he had sex with someone he doesn't love.
Charlie: No, no, because I had sex with someone who knows how to disable the alarm system
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: I never told you about half the stuff Rose pulled around here.
Alan: Why not?
Charlie: Cause we needed a babysitter and I didn't want you to get spooked
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Rose was in my bedroom because she was tired.
Jake: Uncle Charlie, I'm an underachiever, not an idiot
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 3 Episode 6: "Hi, Mr. Horned One"

Isabella: People like you have been persecuting people like me for thousands of years.
Alan: Hmmm. Well, that's a bit hard to believe seeing as people like me have been historically victims and food
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: She was showing me her tattoos.
Alan: Lucky you. There was a time when you had to pay a quarter and go into a tent to see that. Now it's right at your breakfast table
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan [about Isabella]: I think this woman tried to put a curse on me.
Charlie: Oh, please! Who of us haven't done that? To know you is to curse you
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 3 Episode 5: "We Called It Mr. Pinky"

Rose: Isn't your mental and emotional well-being more important than a couple of fleeting orgasms?
Charlie: It's not even more important than one
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: Uncle Charlie, I have to tell you about what happened at school today.
Charlie: You made the honor roll?
Jake: What's that?
Charlie: Forget it
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Colleen: All men have performance issues, every now and then.
Charlie: It's not a problem until we give up. Right now, it's just really long foreplay
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie [to Rose]: I just want to get my mother out of my head. I don't want to quit drinking or gambling or none of that good stuff
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Of all the women I know, you're the only one I truly trust, Rose.
Rose: Personally, I find that very flattering, but professionally, I find it very disturbing
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 3 Episode 4: "Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs"

Berta [to Alan]: You spent all that money on an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house and you're not allowed inside either one of them
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Incredible! I've been living here for two years and you still consider me a houseguest.
Charlie: No. My houseguests bring a bottle of wine and have sex with me
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: I'm a victim here.
Berta: Oh, yeah, you've got victim written all over you.
Alan: But does my brother sympathize?
Berta: Do Catholic priests make good babysitters?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Berta: You mind if I take your room?
Alan: Gee! You want to take my room, I...
Berta: Trust me, you would want me to have a room with a private crapper
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Berta: You know, you've got a great view here.
Charlie: You're just noticing?
Berta: My days here are spent looking at dirty toilets and washing horse starch you call sheets
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: You mind looking after Jake while I'm gone?
Charlie: If it will help you get outta here, I'd breast feed him for you
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Are we missing your favorite "Two and a Half Men" quote? Submit it here and get points for adding quotes!