Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Alan: Why are you so sure you're gonna lose?
Charlie: Because it doesn't matter who wrote the best jingle. It's about who has the sexiest product. That's why the awards always go to car and beer ads. Over-the-counter medications just aren't hip enough.
Alan: That hardly seems fair.
Charlie: Tell me about it. Encourage people to get drunk and drive fast, great, here's an award; relieve the heartbreak of vaginal itching, they don't even want to shake your hand

An awards ceremony is like a Thai massage. If you don't know that there's gonna be a happy ending, there's no point in lying down

Charlie

Rose: Every time we have sex I can feel his eyes burning a hole in the back of my head.
Charlie: That's gonna keep me up at night

Alan: Sorry I'm late, Kandi and I had morning sex.
Charlie: Good for you.
Alan: Twice.
Charlie: Congratulations.
Alan: She didn't even wake me up for the first one. I almost missed it.
Charlie: Well I've always said a 22-year-old girl is like a good carpenter, no wood gets wasted

Alan [explaining booty calls to Jake]: You see Jake, in the old west, cowboys could be out on the dusty range for months at a time, and they get mighty dirty. So they'd mosey into town with nothing but the clothes on their backs, and they'd need to wash them. So what they'd do is, they'd go down to the creek, and strip down until they were wearing nothing but their boots.
Charlie: Why'd they keep their boots on?
Alan: Rattlesnakes. Anyways, in order to warn people that were swimming that a naked cowboy was on his way, he would yell, or, if you will, call, "Booty! Booty!" Ergo, the Booty Call.
Kandi: Wow Alan, you really make history fun.
Alan: Well, thank you.
Kandi: So when did it start meaning casual sex?

Charlie: Alan, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to make a choice: does he want to be loved, or does he want to get laid. Fourteen years ago you made the wrong choice. You got married, and you wound up with neither. But now, fate has given you another chance. Welcome it. Embrace it. Grab its pert little ass.
Alan: What am I supposed to do, walk into my son's birthday and say, "Hey everybody, look at this gorgeous 22-year- old woman I'm having sex with."
Charlie: Oh, don't be silly. You don't want to rub their faces in it, you just want them to know where yours has been

I'm just surprised you can keep up with her. I thought by now she would have worn you down to a few vertebrae and a pool of spinal fluid

Charlie [to Alan]

Rose: Gordon is my soul mate. He completes me. We're inseparable. [To Gordon]: Wait here, I want to talk to Charlie alone

Jake: Who's that?
Rose: Gordon, my boyfriend.
Jake: How come he's not allowed in?
Rose: I'm trying to avoid an awkward situation.
Charlie: Too late.
Jake: You bringing him to my birthday party?
Rose: I don't know. Charlie, is the wound too fresh?
Charlie: I think I can handle it

Jake: What's a booty call?
Charlie: Well, it's... you know this is more of a thing a son should learn from his father.
Jake: Oh, okay.
Charlie: Maybe you should ask him now.
Jake: Alright.
Charlie: I'm going to hell

Jake: I thought you weren't supposed to be smoking and drinking anymore.
Charlie: I thought you weren't supposed to be watching dirty movies anymore.
Jake: Don't change the subject

Evelyn: I'm deeply hurt.
Alan: With me or Charlie?
Evelyn: Charlie.
Alan: Great, come on in

Displaying quotes 37 - 48 of 121 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 3 Quotes

Charlie: Mixing those pills with alcohol is really a bad idea.
Alan: Not if you're trying to kill yourself

Charlie: Hey, buddy, how you been?
Jake: Life stinks.
Charlie: Cheer up, you're still a kid. It gets much worse

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