Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 3 Quotes (Page 6)

Season 3 Episode 4: "Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs"

Jake: What's her name again?
Charlie: Salma Hayek
Jake: Her name is as pretty as her boobs
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 3 Episode 3: "Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark"

Alan [about Judith]: The point is, she wants to give it another try, and so do I. But we can't let Jake know because we don't want him to get his hopes up.
Charlie: Oh, buddy, why don't you just take an electric sander to your testicles?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: You told on me?
Charlie: You wouldn't listen to reason so now you have to listen to mom
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Evelyn [about Alan and Judith]: If you were to reconcile, I would have to apologize to her.
Alan: So?
Evelyn: I'd rather kill us all
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Oh, hey, Alan! The kid was asking about these women you've been going out with, why he never gets to meet any of them?
Alan: Really? What, what did you tell him?
Charlie: I said it's probably because he's disgusting.
Alan: Oh, Charlie...
Charlie: I also told him that you love him and that you don't want him to get attached to somebody and get disappointed if things don't work out.
Alan: Good. Thank you.
Charlie: How come I don't get to meet them?
Alan: Cause you're disgusting.
Charlie: That's very hurtful, Alan
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 3 Episode 2: "Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover"

Charlie: Oh, for the good old days when you could pretend you were blind and wander into the girls' locker room.
Alan: You actually did that? That's terrible.
Charlie: No, taking the dog from the blind guy was terrible.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Charlie's coming to work with me.
Berta: Why?
Alan: He's helping me around the office.
Berta: You wanna bet?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: This is where you come every day?
Alan: For eleven years, what do you think?
Charlie: I'd have killed myself ten and a half years ago
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Wanna play videogames?
Jake: Sure.
Alan: Are you forgetting you're being punished?
Jake: No, but why does Uncle Charlie have to suffer?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: What time?
Alan: Eight.
Charlie: O'clock?
Alan: No, degrees
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Berta [about Charlie]: He just getting home?
Alan: Yeah.
Berta: You really have to wonder how long he can keep burning that penis at both ends
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Berta [about Jake]: What's the oompa loompa doing here on a weekday?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: You turned my business into a brothel.
Charlie: I thought you'd be happy. I didn't touch a single patient
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Principal Gallagher's lesbian lover might drop by to kick my ass.
Charlie: Oh, good, remind me to rewind the camcorder
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 3 Episode 1: "Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts"

Betsy: He's really something.
Charlie: Oh, yeah, he's really something. The question is what
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Evelyn [to Alan]: Do you just stay awake at nights thinking of new ways to embarrass me?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: Are we going to dinner tonight?
Alan: Do I look like I'm in shape to go to dinner?
Jake: I don't know, I'm not a doctor
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: We're not going. This conversation is over.
Jake: Not if I'm still talking
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Look, I'm sorry I lost my temper.
Jake: I'm sorry you slipped in dog crap when you were chasing me
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Mixing those pills with alcohol is really a bad idea.
Alan: Not if you're trying to kill yourself
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Are we missing your favorite "Two and a Half Men" quote? Submit it here and get points for adding quotes!