Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Alan: Charlie.
Charlie: Yep.
Alan: I think I might be gay.
Charlie: What did you do, Alan?
Alan: Nothing, but I'm starting to put the pieces together.
Charlie: Which piece did you put where, Alan?

Greg [after kissing Alan]: Trust me, you're not gay.
Alan: Okay.
Greg: You seem disappointed.
Alan: I just...I feel like I'm letting a lot of people down.
Greg: Alan, it's okay to be straight

Alan: You think I joined a support group to pick up women?
Charlie: No, I think you joined a support group cause you're a whiny little wuss

Alan: Sex is not what the group's about.
Charlie: Oh, grow up. You put single men and women on folding chairs in a church basement they're going to start mounting each other

Alan: The depths of your degeneracy continue to astound me.
Charlie: Really? Still?

Greg: So Charlie, I'm guessing by the stack of racing forms next to the can, you bet the ponies.
Charlie: Hey, I'd bet on rabbits if you could get them organized

I just think variety is the spice of life. And as far as spices go, some people like salt, some people like pepper, some like salt and pepper. Me, I like women!

Charlie

Alan: Greg knows I'm not gay.
Charlie: You sure? For 16 years he didn't know he was gay

Charlie: Berta, my hair is important to me.
Berta: Alright, don't get your panties in a bunch.
Charlie: What's that supposed to mean?
Berta: It means, "don't get so agitated that your undergarments become entangled within your crack."

Greg: Did you do something different with your hair? It looks nice.
Charlie: Don't get me started

Greg: Charlie, you smoke cigars?
Charlie: I'd smoke rabbits if you could keep'em lit

Jake: You smell like strawberries.
Sophie: It's my lip gloss.
Jake: Does it taste like it smells?
Sophie: You wanna find out?
Jake: Sure!
[Sophie leans in to kiss Jake, Jake uses a finger to wipe her lip gloss off, then proceeds to eat it]
Jake: Mm

Displaying quotes 25 - 36 of 224 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 4 Quotes

Jake: Even though Mom stopped loving you and Kandi stopped loving you, you don't have to worry about me.
Alan: Thanks, pal!
Jake: You're my dad. I pretty much gotta love you.

Alan: Sex is not what the group's about.
Charlie: Oh, grow up. You put single men and women on folding chairs in a church basement they're going to start mounting each other