Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 4 Quotes (Page 4)

Season 4 Episode 19: "Smooth as a Ken Doll"

Charlie: What are you talking about? This is just an alimony check.
Alan: Not an alimony check, this is my final alimony check... isn't it beautiful?
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie [after telling Myra she could stay in his house to get away from Judith and hearing her screaming "Herb" from the bedroom]: Do you wanna come too?
Herb: Are you nuts? With Myra out of the house I might get lucky tonight.
Charlie: Really? She seems pretty angry.
Herb: It's better when she's angry
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: You know your problem? Phone cohones! When you're on the phone with her, you've got boulders between your legs. The minute you hang up, you're as smooth as a Ken doll
 • Rating: Unrated

Myra: Charlie, I don't want to put any pressure on you, but ...I'm a virgin.
Charlie: You are?
Myra: Man, you've got to stop sleeping with dumb girls. It's rubbing off on you
 • Rating: Unrated

Myra [to Alan about Herb]: So, how does this work? Do you get your original testicles back or does my brother give you his?
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 4 Episode 18: "It Never Rains in Hooterville"

Alan [talking about Jake when he was a baby]: I miss that little boy. Seems like only yesterday I could've held him in one arm. He didn't weigh more than eight or nine pounds.
Charlie: He craps more than that now
 • Rating: Unrated

Kandi [trying to get pregnant]: Is there anything special we have to do?
Alan: No, no, it's just like regular sex, but without all the last-minute fumbling for a condom.
Kandi: Oh, okay. But I still get all the rest of the fumbling, right?
Alan: I prefer to call that "foreplay."
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Jake: Could you get my dad to lay off the father-son stuff? It's kind of lame.
Charlie: "Lame?" You think it's lame your father cares so much about you, he wants nothing more than to be a part of your life?
Jake: Yeah
 • Rating: Unrated

Kandi: Thanks for lending me your chiropractor coat. It makes me feel like a real doctor.
Charlie: Now you know why Alan wears it
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Did you get the divorce papers?
Kandi: Not really, my lawyer had to explain them to me
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Hey, what's your hurry? If she becomes a big TV star while you're still married, she'll have to pay you alimony.
Alan: Yeah! And if pigs start flying out of my rear end, we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives.
Jake: I don't know if I'll eat that bacon
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Alan: Um, sweetie, do you remember why we split up?
Kandi: The big reason or all the little reasons? Cause there were a lot of little reasons, Alan.
Alan: I know.
Kandi: Like the way your toe nails grow all crazy.
Alan: Right. Got it.
Kandi: And your ear hair and your nose hair. And that one long hair on your back, yuck!
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 4 Episode 17: "I Merely Slept With a Commie"

Evelyn: All her son did at her funeral was make cynical jokes at her.
Charlie: Did you happen to jot any of them down? edit
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Are you going to be at mom's funeral?
Charlie: Sure, as the eldest child it is my job to show up and pound the stake in.
Alan: Now, that's not fair.
Charlie: Fine, you can cut off her head and hold it up for the villagers
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: We have to talk to her about this.
Charlie: Yeah, right. What are we gonna say? "Hey, mom, wanted to let you know you're a miserable she-bat and no one would come to your funeral unless your sons turn it into a three-day beer-fest"
 • Rating: Unrated

Jeweler: How about perfume? Do you know her scent?
Charlie: Yeah.
Alan: You do?
Charlie: Do you carry Chanel number 666?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jeweler: Well, um, tell me something about [Evelyn]. What does she like?
Charlie: Hurting people!
Alan: Charlie... (back to the jeweler) It's a little hard to answer that because we have a bit of a strained relationship.
Jeweler: Oh, so you'd like to find a gift that would help bring you closer together.
Charlie and Alan: (shaking their heads and hands) Oh, no no... no.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: We need to do something about Mom.
Alan: I don't disagree, but there's an option to running away from her.
Charlie: Yeah, but we'd get caught, and you'd sell me out for a reduced sentence
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Just pick out a present that reflects your grandmother.
Jake: Like what?
Charlie: How about a grizzly bear ripping apart a salmon?
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: We could tell her the truth: that she's just as toxic as her late friend and that that's the way she's going to be remembered.
Charlie: Are you on crack?
Alan: Maybe if she realized how people see her, she might make an effort to change.
Charlie: If she realized how people see her, she'd just... get new people
 • Rating: Unrated

Are we missing your favorite "Two and a Half Men" quote? Submit it here and get points for adding quotes!