Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXLois Griffin Quotes
Meg: I miss Uncle Patrick.
Lois: Don't worry kids I promise we can visit him once a month.
Chris: We'll be his period.
Lois [on the phone with her father]: Daddy? It's me, Lois.
Carter: Oh hello, pumpkin. Did I miss your piano recital?
Lois: No Daddy, I'm in my forties.
Carter: Oh God!
Peter: (Drunk) Wow Strange Lady, you're so sexy. I should marry you tomorrow instead of that pain in the ass Lois.
Lois: Peter it's me.
Peter: You know what screw it. I'm so gunna cheat on Lois right now and I don't care if she finds out.
Lois: Peter I...
Peter: Hey do you have a condom? Eh never mind, I have this Milky way wrapper.
Lois: How was your physical, Peter?
Peter: Good. Good. Good, yeah. Too good, as a matter of fact. Ya know what the doctor said? The doctor said I was too healthy. Too good of shape. Don't even know how, too good of shape.
Lois: You didn't go to your physical, did you?
Peter: Er, I did not.
Lois: Peter did you take Stewie to a strip club? he smells like Sweat and fear.
Stewie: Ughh let me tell you Tuesday afternoon is not exactly their "A" squad, I actually saw bullet wounds.
Lois: Peter, we need to talk about your son.
Peter: Which one? The fat one, or the funny lookin' one?
Chris: (laughs at Stewie) Dad called you fat! Wait...
Lois: Oh, Brian, I can't believe they fired you! How come you never told us you dropped out of college?
Chris: I, I saw an after-school special about that! It didn't work out too well for Kristy McNichol, but, then again, nothing did..
Lois: You were right Peter
Peter: No way! I finally get to do this!
[pulls on a rope which drops balloons and confetti and unrolls a banner that says Peter's Right]
Peter: I had that set up fifteen years ago. Hey where's the clown?
Lois: We have to do something about the FCC. Pack your bags, Peter, we're going to Washington DC.
[skeleton with a clown nose and a rainbow afro wig falls from the ceiling]
Peter: Oh, there he is.
Lois: Peter, what are you doing? What is all this stuff?
Chris: Dad's starting his own tv station, but I'm not supposed to tell mom, because she's just gonna bitch him out.
Chris: Are we there yet?
Lois: No Chris honey, we're not.
Chris: Are we there yet?
Lois: No, Chris.
Chris: Are we there yet?
Lois: Yes, Chris, yes okay! We're there!
Chris: Liar!
Lois: Peter, this is ridiculous. We came all this way to take Chris home! Why are we staying?
Peter: Because I'm tired of being treated like crap at work. Don't you see what this means to me? I'm somebody here. Finally, a white man has an opportunity to be rich and in charge.
Lois: Oh hunny, how was your day? Did you catch any fish?
Peter: No, but I caught this turtle; named him Terrence...then killed him and hollowed him out into an ash-tray for Stewie.
