Alan: And if we're gonna be a couple, I want to be the husband.
Charlie: Who's gonna believe you're the husband?
Alan: Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's been a husband.
Charlie: You really thought you were the husband in your marriage?

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Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 18 Quotes

Alan, let me give you a piece of advice. Alcohol impairs your ability to make good decisions. We don't want you to lose that ability... we want her to


Charlie: When making love, the way to slow yourself down is to think of something completely non-sexual.
Alan: What do you think of?
Charlie: You