Favorite Alan Harper Quotes
Alan: What's the problem?
Jake: She's nine
Alan: Nine? Where would you meet a nine year old girl?
Jake: We're in the same math class
Alan: Is she one of those advanced students?
Jake: Sadly, no, but she does help me with my homework
Alan: I'm gonna go pick up Jake at his mothers
Charlie: Oh good. Just what we need to brighten up our weekend. A large, sullen teenager with gas and questionable hygiene
Alan: There's nothing questionable about it
Alan: Charlie's coming to work with me.
Berta: Why?
Alan: He's helping me around the office.
Berta: You wanna bet?
Judith [about Jake]: When I brought him home Sunday night and served him dinner, he tipped me with a $25 chip from Caesars Palace and told me I had a nice rack!
Alan: Uh, well, Judith... you do
Charlie [about Jake at Evelyn's]: Oh, come on, he's not in any real danger.
Alan: Not physically, but you know as well as I do that Mom has the ability to say things that... stick with you.
Charlie: Yeah. Forever and ever. My favorite was, "They must have mixed you up with another baby 'cause I could never have given birth to such a hateful child." Who writes that on an fifth grader's birthday card?
Jake: She was showing me her tattoos.
Alan: Lucky you. There was a time when you had to pay a quarter and go into a tent to see that. Now it's right at your breakfast table
Alan: Charlie, there is a half naked woman in our kitchen.
Charlie: Which half?
Berta [trying to convince Alan Jake is constipated]: I'm telling you, my youngest once ate a whole can of Play-Doh—stopped her up for two weeks!
Alan: All right, Berta.
Berta: She finally pooped out a whole ashtray.
Alan: Berta!
Berta: That was the day I quit smoking
Charlie: I never told you about half the stuff Rose pulled around here.
Alan: Why not?
Charlie: Cause we needed a babysitter and I didn't want you to get spooked
Charlie: So what else did we learn tonight?
Alan: Well, let's see. I learned that, that to overcome my fear of rejection ingrained in me by an emotionally distant mother, I need to completely disable my central nervous system with semi-lethal quantities of alcohol
Charlie: You lucky dog!
Alan: What? I'm not going in there, she's nuts!
Charlie: Yeah, so, sex with crazy chicks is great. Just make sure you pick positions where you can see what her hands are doing.
Alan: No, no, that would be taking advantage of a mentally unbalanced person.
Charlie: Oh, Alan, that boat has sailed, may as well hop on board for a farewell cruise
And Grandma doesn't just feed on the souls of the dead, Jake. She also profits from the pain of divorce and the humiliation of bankruptcy
